And believe it or not, it’s not just a joke about Kelly Kelly.
Best: When CM Punk Talks, and When Someone Dies
I want to make a better point than “this is how to make money” to start this week’s Best and Worst. I want one of those rambling Bill Simmons things about how I was five years old watching George “The Animal” Steele bite Macho Man on the leg through his boot with a bunch of footnotes about my wife and kids. I don’t have a wife or kids, and when I was five I was watching Magnum TA beat the head-blood and facial piss out of Tully Blanchard with a microphone.
I’m also not a “part of the wrestling industry”, and more importantly I’m not trying too hard to be. That’s something a lot of people blogging in the Internet Wrestling Community forget, just like sportswriters — no matter how much you write about this, you aren’t a part of it. Roger Ebert always mentions things like “Robert Altman told me this on the set of Gosford Park” but outside of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls he’s never been a “part” of Robert Altman’s work. I can mention that Sugar Dunkerton took a picture with me for his scrapbook at the King of Trios fan conclave, but that doesn’t put me in the ring with F.I.S.T. At best I’m a writer, at worst I’m a blogger, and I have no right to tell you what does and doesn’t draw money.
That being said, every nerve in my body tells me this is how you make wrestling fans pay for wrestling shows. You hire people who are good at things, then let them be their own kind of good. It took them five years, but letting CM Punk speak from that little pro wrestler living inside of his heart is the best idea they’ve had. I’m not unique in this opinion. All over the Internet today you’ll read about how people are buying Money in the Bank. You’ll read about how they’ve been on-again/off-again fans since the Attitude Era, but now they’re tuning in to see what everyone’s talking about. And guess what? You aren’t doing it with invasions and big stars from other companies and collapsible cage walls and falls from the Titantron — you’re doing it with a guy talking. Because this guy is f**king great at talking.
Wrestling is easy, I don’t know why you’ve been screwing it up so much.
Best: John Cena Has a Good Point if He’d Ever Make It
WWE character John Cena usually makes the same ten or so points when he’s faced with a challenge:
1. He will never give up.
2. He has been busting his ass for this company for years.
3. He has earned his spot.
4. He represents the people, even the ones who don’t support him.
5. He will not ever give up.
6. He will not back down from a challenge.
7. If you think he is going to give up, you are mistaken.
8. The Troops
9. Giving up is a theoretical impossibility.
10. He has beaten a lot of people
And he only really needs that last one.
1. John Cena has beaten a lot of people.
That’s my major gripe with Cena. He dances out and does his Three Voices of Doom and his Five Moves of Fear and just sorta delivers jokes and declarations without making the easiest, most effective one of all. People chant “Cena sucks”, but for the last eight years he has beaten literally EVERY PERSON IN OUR UNIVERSE, most of the time without breaking a sweat. Orton, Triple H, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Eddie Guerrero, Batista, Punk, Miz, Skip Sheffield and everybody on down until you’re scraping the barrel at Firestorm Pro, trying to find Dick Trimmins’ phone number because nobody else is a fresh match. That’s Cena. He has shoulder-jumped and toe-held every single one of those motherf**kers, and the most effective John Cena is the one who says “I don’t care what you’re saying, I’m going to show up and whip your ass”.
That’s it. That’s all he’s got to do. He is intense like a drug addict and his body is made out of those metal meat tubes from the Tool video. He will f**king kill you and make you tap out and he won’t even have to close the window. That’s the John Cena we got in the opening, and that’s the John Cena I keep homering for every week.