As I’ve been scratching my head more and more over the idea that the NFL’s Collective Bargaining Agreement is being held up simply because Vincent Jackson and Logan Mankins are still demanding money, I got to thinking – the NBA is super screwed. The NFL should lift its lockout by the end of this week. I mean, it would take some serious stubbornness from two guys out of 1,900 NFL players to drag this thing out much longer. But the NBA? Has anyone even heard the word progress mentioned this month? Nope.
So what are we going to do, friends? When the regular season is scheduled to start on November 2 and the players and owners are still billions of dollars apart at the bargaining table (on which Dwight Howard will be planking) how are we going to fill that void? The easy answer is the NFL and college football, but some of us are really going to miss our NBA action. Think about it – no Blake Griffin dunking, Chris Bosh crying, Kobe Bryant scowling, Vince Carter napping, Greg Oden operating, Mark Cuban taunting, or any players sleeping with the women in LeBron James’ life.
To solve our little problem, I’ve traveled the world at length – but mostly just checked out my new favorite site, Oddity Central – to find us some replacement sports in case the worst happens and the NBA really does miss a season. (Spoiler alert: The NBA is going to miss the season.)
Pro: It’s underwater, so if we add cheerleaders that will be pretty cool. Plus, it’s British and America steals everything cool that England does, so why should this be any different?
Con: It’s still hockey. We’ve already got one hockey and that’s more than enough. Maybe change it to underwater bowling and I’ll reconsider.
Pro: It has both brains and brawn. It’s really a perfect combination of strategy and power to appease both the nerds and the jocks.
Con: It’s still chess and boxing. Give me Mouse Trap and MMA, otherwise this one is a dud waiting to happen.
We travel to Serbia for this annual race featuring more than 50 women on the verge of marrying in their special gowns. The winning bride receives a bunch of prizes for her wedding, and being that it’s Serbia I am guessing she wins the right to have a child.
Pro: I could really get behind the idea of making women compete for the right to get married. Have you seen some of the people out there tying the knot? Yikes.
Con: Running is just exercise and therefore cannot be accepted as a sport. Plus, marriage is stupid. The real competition should be racing for divorce. The losers stay married.
Pro: Kung Fu is always awesome, so that would seemingly make this a frontrunner.
Con: Unless this is women’s volleyball and there are bikinis and very tight spandex shorts involved, it will get old very quickly.
Obviously, yoga is not a sport. However, I will argue…
Pro: Anything involving dogs is instantly better than 99% of the content on television.
Con: I would still rather watch the Puppy Bowl or Purina Games than dog yoga.
Pro: Most babies are cute. In the case of Baby Barbells, only cute babies would be used for competitive weight lifting purposes. Ugly babies would be reserved for Baby Shotputting.
Con: Although competitive, weight lifting is not necessarily a sport. While I endorse anything that features healthier and more physically fit children in America, these babies would eventually get hooked on steroids and kill their families. If that’s the case, they should at least be professional wrestlers.
Speaking of professional wrestling, the Fighting Cholitas are a group of female wrestlers from Bolivia. As you can see in the video above and here, they’re pretty insane. Haha, women be loca!
Pro: Nothing like a good cat fight to pass the time between lockouts.
Con: I’d prefer it to feature Kelly Kelly and Brie Bella.
For the past 35 years, people from all over the world have met in Derbyshire, England for the World Toe Wrestling Championships.
Pro: They compete at a pub so everyone is wasted. Drunk English people are the coolest.
Con: Feet are f*cking gross, dude.
Similar to the toe wrestling events, competitors from around the world also meet in Kucha, Bavaria every year for the annual tobacco sniffing competition. The point is seriously to sniff as much tobacco as humanly possible.
Pro: It looks like they have funny mustaches!
Con: Nicotine is a very addictive drug and it has hurt so many people. Tobacco in any form is dangerous in the long-term and it’s just not attractive. That is, unless it’s a hot girl smoking. Then it’s kind of cool.
Once again, we head to Serbia for this incredibly competitive annual event. Basically, they cook animal testicles and eat them.
Pro: A lot of people will vomit. Puke is always funny.
Con: Eh, what the hell? The NBA players are going to lose their balls anyway, might as well make good use of them.
I want more like this!
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