Best: All Hail Kelly Kelly, Destroyer of Divas
You know a Divas match is great when all the reviews the next day include the sentence “even the women’s match was passable!” Some places have even called it “good”. I liked it, but I’m a women’s wrestling apologist. And at four and three-quarter minutes it was nearly four times longer than your standard Divas affair.
At some point during the afternoon, Kelly and Brie figured out that they could just do an abdominal stretch and bounce a K-Driller (or whatever she calls it) off the ropes and people would be fine with it. They didn’t have to get naked, they didn’t have to fall all over the place, they didn’t have to pull a Candice Michelle and screw up something they saw on YouTube. They just had to be completely passable at wrestling and people would give it a thumbs up. It’s like a Coldplay album. If “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” had shown up on Radiohead’s Kid A people would’ve threatened to kill themselves, but because it appears on Sh:tty Coldplay Album by Coldplay, people think it’s fine.
For the record, that song is terrible. Just work with me.
Best? Worst: Kelly’s Entrance Attire
Kelly Kelly comes to the ring wearing gold lamé hot pants and a long-sleeved gold lamé top that stops just below her boobs, then turns into what I can only describe as a Greek sandal until about the middle of her stomach. Then, she takes OFF the top, but just the sleeves and sandals part, leaving a bra.
So was that supposed to be entrance attire, or did she just take off her shirt? The wearing and removal of sleeves makes even less sense than those sheer bracelet capes the Bellas wear or the chain wallet shoulderpads Kharma was rocking. Kelly should’ve taken off her hot pants to reveal one pant leg and half a vagina.
Worst: Eve’s “Back-up”
There’s a great moment at the end of the match where Kelly hits The Bella with her finisher and goes for the pin. Additional Bella gets upset and toward the corner like she’s going to get in the ring and break it up. Eve, who accompanied Kelly Kelly to the ring as “back-up”, backs Kelly up by walking into the corner and lightly swatting at the mat as the other Bella gets in the ring. The Bella does nothing, and Eve kneels on the apron in beige-ass pants until it’s time for her to celebrate.
It is time to wish Eve the best in her future endeavors. Her future endeavors in that sentence being “a booth beside Maria at Wizard World” and “a boring shoot interview about how Randy Orton once blew his nose on her shirt”.
Worst: I See You Working That Match With the Girl I Love, and I’m Like, F**k You
This is the theme for Summerslam.
WRITTEN IN THE STARS
A MILLION MILES AWAY
These things keep getting worse. What, is Jet Black Stare too busy to record your pay-per-view theme? What could they possibly be doing? (They could call it “Rock and Roll”!)