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The Dugout: Let Laura Pettitte Testify

By / 07.14.11

Roger Clemens is a free man. More or less.

The perjury trial of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens ended in a mistrial on the second day of witness testimony after prosecutors showed the jury evidence that violated a court order.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton in Washington said today that he’s considering barring further prosecution of Clemens on double-jeopardy grounds and set a hearing for Sept. 2 on whether to let the case proceed.

As a baseball fan and a human male on the Internet, I am outraged. I want Roger Clemens to go to jail for the rest of his life. No, I don’t think a prison term is the best idea for someone who cheated at baseball or did drugs or lied about either, I just really don’t like Roger Clemens. I am going to register a “kill Roger Clemens with a firing squad” Facebook page because of this, and I’m sure that will effect change.

Until then, please read the transcript from today’s proceedings.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Federal Court Chatroom!
 
HardinFast: I swear to god Roger just shut up, shut your mouth, do not talk  
OldLOL: but but but that guys sayin i did steroids and i did NOT do steroids, ever, period  
HardinFast: For the love of christ keep your mouth closed  
OldLOL: i may have cheated on baseball and i may have statutory raped that teen country starlet i may have done steroids and i may have lied about it to the government but i did NOT do steroids  
OldLOL: /does steroids  
HardinFast: there, look at you, you just did steroids  
OldLOL: no i didnt  
HardinFast: blerghhhh /faceplams with both hands and one of his feet  

HardinFast: you know, I am a 70-year old man named "Rusty Hardin" and THIS is somehow the most difficult moment of my life

just sit there eating quietly until the prosecution is done

 
OldLOL: /drinks cream soda from Koby Clemens’ skull  
  **Online Host**
Meanwhile, in the Prosecution sub-chatroom…
 
Judge: Steve, I just wanted to say you’ve done a bang-up job as prosecutor and that we all agree Roger Clemens is totally guilty of everything ever.  
DurhamsBull: thanks judge  
Judge: No problem. All we have to do now is close it out, and remember, DON’T try and have Andy Pettitte’s wife testify. Her testimony is inadmissible and we’d have to throw out the whole trial.  
DurhamsBull: got it  
Judge: Okay, take her home  
DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call andy pettitte’s wife to the stand  
AndyPettittesWife: /gathers dream journals, stands up  
Judge: god dammit steve Okay everybody hold on a minute  
AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down  
HoldItAndPettitte: I wouldn’t mind testifying, you could call me, I mean I am the world’s hugest narc tattletail  
DurhamsBull: no sorry laura a lot about it so i need to talk to her LAURA LAURA ARE YOU IN THE COURTROOM LAURA oh there you are, come on ma’am please take the stand  
AndyPettittesWife: /stands up  
Judge: steve, come here  
AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down  
DurhamsBull: yes mister judge  
Judge: how long have you been studying law  
DurhamsBull: for like 22 years, your honor  

Judge: Okay, you have Andy Pettitte’s wife say Clemens did steroids. She didn’t hear it directly from Clemens, and if you use her as evidence you have illegitimately prejudiced the jury against him

just do literally anything else and we will find him guilty, do you understand

 
DurhamsBull: i understand  
Judge: Heh, okay everybody, take two! Here we go. Action!  
DurhamsBull: i would like to ask andy pettitte’s wife to please loudly say whether roger clemens did or did not do steroids from where she is sitting  
AndyPettittesWife: HE DID  
Judge: NO, NOPE, NOBODY HEARD THAT, PLEASE DO SOMETHING ELSE  
DurhamsBull: all right, allow me to play this VHS tape of laura pettitte saying she heard from "somebody" that roger clemens did steroids  
Judge: nope  
DurhamsBull: these handwritten letters from mrs. pettitte addressing-  
Judge: nope  
DurhamsBull: this minecraft stage laura pettitte built to look like roger clemens that clearly illustrates-  
Judge: NO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU  

DurhamsBull: hmm

well what do you mean

 
Judge: I MEAN DO ANYTHING ELSE. JUST STAND THERE, READ THE PHONE BOOK, DO SOME JUMPING JACKS, TALK ABOUT KATE UPTON, ANYTHING ELSE  

OldLOL: who the f**k is kate upton /googles Kate Upton

 
OldLOL: WHOA IS THIS CHICK LEGAL  
HardinFast: she just turned 19, Roger  

OldLOL: dammit

/angrily closes laptop
/throws laptop at jury

 
DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call…  
Judge: /glares  

DurhamsBull: uh

these uh

 
DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call these educational puppets to the stand  
Judge: f**king finally, let’s hear it  
LauraPuppet: HEY KIDS, WELCOME T’COURT! WE’RE GONNA HAVE A LOTTA FUN TODAY, OH BOY! /switches hands  
AndyPuppet: wull hey Laura! Have you talked to ROGER CLEMENS today?? /switches hands  
LauraPuppet: I SURE HAVEN’T, ANDY! But I HEARD SOMETHING about how he did STEROIDS!  
Judge: okay, that’s it, mistrial, roger you’re free to go  
OldLOL: SAY YOU KNOW I DIDN’T DO STEROIDS  
HardinFast: /puts bag over Clemens’ head, drags him out of the courtroom  
AndyPettittesWife: Wait! I didn’t get to tell anyone what I heard about Barry Bonds doing steroids!  
Judge: Mr. Bonds, I sentence you to 30 years in prison  
GoldBonds: wait what  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TOPICS#KATE UPTON
TAGSANDY PETTITTEBARRY BONDSBaseballMLBRoger ClemensROGER CLEMENS PERJURYsteroidsTHE DUGOUT

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