The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/1

By: 08.02.11  •  143 Comments

Worst: Michael And David Have Issues

WWE Tag Team Champions David “A-List” Otunga and Michael “Beulah” McGillicutty are probably the saddest tag team in WWE history.

1. They were part of the Nexus until Wade Barrett left for Smackdown and everybody forgot about them.
2. They were part of the New Nexus until CM Punk got popular and everybody forgot about them.
3. They are tag team champions in a division of two, with the other team being Santino Marella +1. Imagine if you were the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the only team you had to beat to win the NL Central was the Houston Astros.
4. They were using CM Punk’s entrance theme, and didn’t have one of their own.
5. When they finally got a theme of their own, it was a hand-me-down from Justin Gabriel.
6. Their Titantron graphics say “MICHAEL” and “DAVID” down the sides.
7. They have been wrestling together since May and have not once shown charisma or an ability to wrestle anything more complex or entertaining than WWE’s one-and-three-quarters-star placeholder thing.
8. They are the most boring people in the world.
9. Their tights don’t even match

I feel like I could keep going, but you get the idea. I want Triple H to confront them backstage and be all “okay guys, hand them over” and Otunga goes “come onnnn” and Triple H goes “hand them over” and Otunga goes “come onnn” and then forlornly hands over the tag titles because even he realizes they are f**king pathetically terrible.

Best: We Want Ryder

People were chanting “We Want Ryder” a few weeks ago during the rise of CM Punk, and last week with tensions still high the crowd chanted “Let’s Go Ryder”. This week Punk came back down to Earth, with a non-partisan crowd who sorta like him, but aren’t going to cheer him over anybody important. Ryder, on the other hand, remains. As he was standing on the apron, being bombarded by Michael Cole’s commentary about how he’s a nerd with no life who just goes on the Internet and does WEBSITE (right after hyping WWE’s Twitters … and then both checking his Twitter to find tweets from J.R. AND yelling at J.R. for using the same Twitter he just used… argh), and the people want to see him. Hot acts are going to come and go, but this guy did the most important thing people forget to do — he build a fan base, on his own, and even if he’s not doing anything spectacular there are now thousands and thousands of people who want to see him on television, follow him online and buy his merch. It’s amazing how far those little gestures can go, and they go so much farther than an “I’m gonna kick your butt because I love THESE FANS” thing.

Worst: Mr. Cobro

Santino Marella has been doing The Cobra so much that his arm has morphed into an actual cobra.

I … urgh, how do I explain this without sounding like a dick.

I’m going to sound like a hypocrite because of how much I love watching Kota Ibushi get infinite Canadian Destroyers from a blow-up doll and think Kikutaro dressed as Jumbo Tsuruta is the funniest thing ever, but Jesus, his arm is an actual cobra. He has a big sock that looks like a snake that he puts on his arm. I think the problem I have with it is that the Cobra build-up is one of the most bulletproof ways to get a crowd cheering. You never see Santino setting up the Cobra to silence. I’m a jaded realist who jacks off about wrestlers selling on offense and even I like to do it at home from time to time and make my girlfriend roll her eyes (and dump me, but not before I poke her as hard as I can in the face with my pinched fingers). I just … for some reason I don’t want there to be a sock. It’s not even a f**king cobra, it’s a boa constrictor, or some kind of skinny ass alligator. I don’t have a reason better than “it is stupid”, and that’s not the best reason. I don’t want Santino to be a mythological beast.

Although it would be pretty funny for him to strike Eve with it and create the concept of Original Sin in WWE.

Worst: Catch Edge On An All-New Episode Of “G Vs. E” “Pacific Blue” “Haven”

I can’t even watch SyFy when wrestling is on, I’m not tuning in to watch Dawson’s Supernatural Creek.

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