The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/1

By: 08.02.11

Stock Best: Alberto Del Rio’s Face

Alberto Del Rio is in a weird holding pattern where he’s having okay-to-mostly-good matches with guys on Raw every week and keeps winning, but doesn’t seem to be DOING anything. I’ve gone over it before, but he won a number one contenders match, but didn’t get his title shot. He won Money in the Bank at Money in the Bank Brand Pay-Per-View, but he hasn’t cashed it in. He competed in a WWE Championship tournament while already being number one contender AND having Money in the Bank. He should’ve cashed it in immediately when the title was announced as vacant and been awarded it by default. Now he’s armbreakering Kofi Kingston, but if somebody wrestles Kofi Kingston does it ever actually MEAN something?

Regardless, Del Rio is the bomb and he stuck his tongue out when he won, which is right behind his double-handed face-fanning victory dance on my list of favorite Del Rio mannerisms. On a personal note, Destiny looked up from her Easy French Reader during this segment to point out how much I love “weird announcers”, especially “weird announcers who announce in a foreign language”. Okay, so I’m a fan of Ricardo Rodriguez and CHIKARA’s Jakob Hammermeier. That’s only two. Wait, Hugo Savinovich. But that’s still only three.

Worst: The Two Available Opponents Rule Strikes Again

As Del Rio was walking to the ring my brain went “he wrestled Kofi Kingston last week, so he’s wrestling Evan Bourne tonight”. Sure enough, Evan Bourne’s My Little Pony self comes bouncing out, throwing up peace signs and smiling like he’s in ICE Ribbon. If any important people are reading this, please consider adding 5-10 additional expendable wrestlers to your Raw roster. I refuse to believe Alberto Del Rio vs. Davey Vega or some babyface persona of Robert Evans in a wig like Roger from “American Dad” would be any worse than Alberto Del Rio vs. Evan Bourne.

In fact, both of those options sound better. And while we’re on the subject, whose dad do I have to f**k to get an Alberto Del Rio vs. Giant Tiger match on Raw?

Best: Top Rope Enzuigiri

Props to Evan Bourne for being the only person to know how to sell what would happen if you were crouched on a feet-sized pillow and a 260 pound guy kicked you in the side of the head. You go flying off and die, you don’t sit there and make a confused face until he climbs up to attack you more. Maybe they keep pairing up Del Rio with Kofi and Bourne so he’s got guys going to the top rope all the time. I’d hate to see a “you can’t powerbomb Kidman” situation where Del Rio is wrestling Orton and Randy decides to head up top for his patented “Nothing” only to get Alberto’d in the dome.

Also, a quick lesson about the word “enzuigiri”. Enzui means “brain” (or a part of the brain, really) and giri means “to chop”, so “enzuigiri” means (more or less) to “hit the brain” and describes any attack to the back of the head. Add that to your online dictionaries. It’s not an “enzigiri” or an “enziguiri” or an “enzuiguiri”. The more you know.

Wait, and while I’m on the subject of improperly used wrestling terms, a wrestling company is not a “federation” or a “fed”. A “federation” is a union of partially self-governing states or regions, and the reason the WWF was the World Wrestling Federation is because it was a union of different wrestling territories operating under a sovereign state, so to speak. The NWA was an “Alliance”, but was technically a federation. Ring of Honor isn’t a “fed”, neither is CHIKARA, or Anarchy Championship Wrestling or PWG. They are promotions. Or companies, whatever. Organizations. Even WWE in 2011 isn’t a federation, unless you want to count Smackdown and Raw as separate things. So, promotions, not feds.

Worst: Kofi Kingston Heard Someone Shouting, Crying

That’s why Kofi is always running out to help people. He’s like pro wrestling’s version of the Superfriends. Whenever Evan Bourne gets beaten up after a match it pops up on his big screen backstage.

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