Best: Addressing Plot Holes
We’re through the looking glass, people.
The final segment on Raw had its flaws (its major, major flaws, but we’ll get to that in a minute) but I want to say how happy I am that WWE writers (or performers, whoever is responsible) are at least taking plot holes and inconsistencies into consideration. Sure, we still don’t know how CM Punk got a Titantron video with JFK clips in it on the fly, but at least now we know how and why CM Punk returned and why he waited until the end of the night to confront John Cena over the WWE Title. It’s what I said last week — he didn’t care so much that WWE was making a fake title, he cared that CENA had gotten another spot in the lead. That’s important. Also important are the logistics of why a WWE Championship Tournament took place, and that sorta hinges on Punk not showing back up with the title until the last minute. See, this works out sometimes, you just have to look for it and write possible solutions on the Internet for a popular sports blog and hope enough people regurgitate it that Joey Styles or the WWE Internet Police get sent a copy and go “oh, okay, yeah that’s a good idea”.
Additional plot hole referencing: It was the Big Bossman who raised the briefcase in that McMahons/Steve Austin ladder match. Don’t make me explain it to you again.
Best: Vince McMahon’s Surrogate
John Laurinaitis showed up as an official on-screen player-character for the first time last night and his voice sounded weird. That prompted two hilarious responses from the Internet;
1. The nickname “John Laryngitis”, which is hilarious, and
2. A comparison to every role ever played by comedian Bob Einstein, including “Curb Your Enthusiasm’s” Marty Funkhouser and Super Dave Osborne.
My personal favorite is Larry Middleman from “Arrested Development”, if only for the idea that Vince McMahon is backstage in bed telling him what to say over an earpiece. It would be pretty great to see Laurinaitis telling Trish Stratus to get down on her hand and knees and bark like a dog dammit in his raspy monotone. Or even better, Laurinaitis interviews a wrestler who can vomit on command and gives a calm “he’s gonna puke. He’s gonna. He’s gonna. He’s gonna puke, he’s gonna puke. He’s gonna puke.” Also, in Not A Joke, they should probably just reveal this guy as Raw’s general manager. I mean, right?
Worst: Oh, So That Was Your Big Idea
Oh, so it took Triple H all show and 40 segments to announce that John Cena would be facing CM Punk in a champion vs. champion match at Summerslam? That’s weird, because that’s what f**king everybody on Earth thought he was going to say. The way they were building it up I thought they were gonna break out the Six Pack Challenge or the Championship Scramble Match again. But nope, the terrible, momentum-killing rematch we assumed was looming. Good job, H, you’re adjusting to the job well. Next week you should put John Cena in a handicap match against somebody, that’s how you know you’ve really made it as a WWE authority figure.
Worst: I Thought Cena Never Backed Down
He backed down pretty quickly when Triple H told him he couldn’t call him Hunter because he’s his boss. Maybe his next shirt should read “BACKS DOWN WHEN SOCIALLY NECESSARY” and have a Tom Goes To Mayor’d-out picture of him standing there sulking like a chump on the front. And it could be bright yellow.
Worst: The Lamest Thing Ever
I don’t have an epic capper for this week. I don’t have a great punchline ready and I’m not going to deconstruct why something happened. All I can say is that watching CM Punk and John Cena hold up their titles and duel with entrance themes like they’re action figures with microchips on their feet is one of the dumbest and most second-hand embarrassing things ever. NOW ENTERING THE TITANTRON, BOOSH BOOSH BOOSH.
Here’s what the segment accomplished:
2. It made me really hate those first few lines of Cult of Personality
I still don’t think things are ruined and don’t think anyone was “rushed” into doing anything, but what spent two months being a cutting edge, must-see angle has turned into what Bobby Lashley might do. I think I speak for everyone when I say nobody cares about or wants to see what Bobby Lashley is doing.