Worst: I Want To Like This Beth Phoenix Promo, BUT I DON’T
This is how WWE Creative’s last meeting went down.
Writer #1: “Beth Phoenix is going to get a title shot, then beat up Kelly Kelly and tell her the time of pretty blonde bimbo champions is over.”
Writer #2: “okay”
Writer #1: “And then on Smackdown, Natalya is going to beat up AJ and basically say the same thing. And then we make them a team.”
Writer #2: “okay, sounds good”
Writer #1: “Right, so then Kelly Kelly beats Beth at Summerslam.”
Writer #2: “And then what happens”
Writer #1: “that’s as far as I got”
Writer #2: “How long will it take you to write more story”
Writer #1: “like eight months”
Writer #2: “okay we’ll just have them stall until you’re done”
And that leads us to last night, which felt like the biggest Copy/Paste of last week ever. Seriously, last week Eve Torres pinned a Bella Twin, so Beth and Natalya walked out dressed like roller derby girls who secretly aren’t that pretty and golf clapped. This week, Eve Torres pinned a Bella Twin, so Beth and Natalya walked out dressed like girls who want to be Bettie Page but clearly are not Bettie Page and golf clapped. The only difference is that this week we all got second-hand picture-in-picture embarrassment from Beth saying sentences about how great Kelly Kelly seems and Natalya saying “but we don’t” at the end of them like she’s trying to start a “what” chant. People say we want to be pretty like Kelly, but we don’t! People say we want to beat Kelly in a wrestling match, but we don’t. So what do we want? WE HAVE NO F**KING IDEA. And Tori Amos albums, from the way we’re dressed.
Worst: It’s Official, You Made Them Want Puppies Again
The “we want puppies” chant during the Eve and Bella Twin match is the most dangerous red flag of the year, because your “put everybody in pants and have them roll each other up every thirty seconds” experiment has failed. You have to give people joshi or you have to give them lingerie pillow fights, there is literally no room at our collective inn for this phony brand of almost wrestling. “I’m good at sports, but also sexy!” sucks when you aren’t actually good at sports. Look at that Price Is Right model who started driving for NASCAR. Look at Danica Patrick. Look at Anna Kournikova.
On the same tip, look at somebody like Hope Solo. Hope Solo looks like a seven foot tall version of Brandon Teena but is legitimately good at soccer, so she set the horny Internet world on fire for about two months of this year. That’s a lesson so few people seem to understand … a perfect, beautiful woman is great, but what’s even better is a passably-okay looking woman who is great at SOMETHING. WWE looks at Sara Del Ray and thinks she’s not what they want, and they’re right, but because she’s great at wrestling and not an excuse for a pee break she’d have more fan sites and more signs and more of a following in a month than five years of Eve Torres in a bikini. How many people do I know who think Sara Del Ray is the most beautiful woman ever? More than a few. How many people would think that if she had to pop her coochie before doing a handspring? How many wrestling fans would think SDR was hot if she was a normal lady who worked at the nurse’s office? We’ve got a way of justifying the beauty of people who do what we love well, and that’s a severely, depressingly absent thing in WWE.
Worst: The Worst Finish In Pro Wrestling
The less said about Alex Riley the better, but “guy gets distracted by something happening outside the ring, then turns around and immediately loses to whatever happens” is the worst finish ever. Worse than the Dusty finish, worse than a referee botching a three count and having to point at the timekeeper for thirty seconds while everybody stand around confused, worse than the “we landed at the SAME TIME” cage match escape, worse than the Tommy Rich at your local independent fed battling to the back for a DQ after four minutes of shoulder holding. It’s wretched, and they do it all the time. They did it twice last night. I know that you want to protect your guys and make them look like they lost without actually losing to the other guy’s science, but damn, it’s Jack Swagger. The only thing that could save Swagger at this point is a Machine mask.
Worst: Woof, This Middle Part Of Raw Is Terrible
I’m getting very close to typing AND FURTHERMORE, F**K WWE FOREVERRRR on this page so I’m going to sum it up with a collective worst: I honestly enjoyed the show a lot, but this middle part between Kelly Kelly and Eve’s pre-commercial break 3/4th camera stance pow-wow and Dolph Ziggler magically knocking Vickie Guerrero down and costing Jack Swagger a match against Player One is just the pits. Just terrible, water-treading wrestling that accomplishes nothing and makes everything look like a cut scene you should be skipping. I like a lot of these people, too. I like Ziggler a lot, I think Vickie managing Swagger is a great idea, I’ve warmed to Kelly Kelly. It’s just… I don’t know, I was almost hoping for Hornswoggle to come jogging across the screen with a cleaver-wielding Chavo Guerrero in tow just so I could have something construtive to bitch about.
Counterpoint to this is that if I was doing The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling I’d be applauding them for not overbooking the miscarrying widow angle and for being restrained enough to just have Angelina Love and Winter clap at Mickie James. It’s all about context. Context I desperately wish I could convince myself to fast-forward through.