Best: Awesome Truth
Per the request of The Wrestling Blog‘s TH, I’m giving a big fat Best to R-Truth and The Miz for their tag assault on Santino Marella and subsequent, lengthy condemnation of the fans and associated conspirators. I know Truth’s act can be a little much from time to time, but if you didn’t laugh at “they sit around the conspiracy table… and they CONSPIRE” I don’t know what to tell you. The man was wearing an airbrushed vet that said LIL’ JIMMY PROOF on the back, confirming that it is “Lil” Jimmy, not “Little”, which makes it funnier somehow. Like “Lil’ Sebastian”. Jimmy may have been li’l, but his impact on this town, and the Parks Department, was anything but li’l. Truth even managed to keep the spiders meme going by using it as an important visual in his narrative of shouting.
And then, The Miz. Check out the amazing bitchy frat girl face he makes when he says “that’s about average”. I understand how your support of The Miz may have waned during his weird concussion period, but he looks to be coming out of that at 100%, being Truth’s intense straight man without being afraid to yell WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCHA DUCKS at the crowd. A few weeks ago I pointed out the chemistry between the two, and I’m glad somebody upstairs (in Heaven) agrees with me. I think my favorite part is how neither of them would stop pacing, so they ended up moving around the ring and almost running into each other like bumper cars. Truth and Miz are absolutely the team to send the Ghan-Am Connection’s way until the Kings Of Wrestling show up (if they show up), Beer Money gets Braden Walker’d out and the Young Bucks remember to shake Big Dick Johnson’s hand. Tag wrestling can hide Truth’s inability to put together anything interesting in the ring, keep Miz as healthy as he can stay and allow two of the best personalities in the company to make two of the highest and youngest jumpers look great.
I could devote a page to little bests from this segment, but I wanted to make sure I pointed out how close R-Truth was to formally quoting DMX. I want him to tell Evan Bourne he’s going to get found by some old man fishin’.
Best: The Best Part Is That They’re Right
One of my favorite things about WWE right now is how the points of view regarding the oncoming McMahon-Helmsley Regime bisect. John Cena seems to think Triple H and his yes men are doing something behind his back. CM Punk thinks Triple H, Triple H’s friends and John Cena are conspiring against him. R-Truth and The Miz think Triple H, H’s pals, John Cena AND CM Punk are trying to conspire. I think that’s great. I think bringing that whole “Major League Baseball WANTS the good players in Boston and New York so they can make money” thing (or, as a better example, the “David Stern is a crooked little asshole who thinks ‘collusion’ means ‘doing a good job’”) into pro wrestling works. Cena is the franchise, so it starts with him and trickles down until everybody’s got a reason for the system to be working against them. That’s life, really. I remember thinking restaurant managers “had it out” for me. What kind of pathetic motherf**ker do you have to be to think a guy counting forks at the Olive Garden has a vendetta against you? And even worse, that fork counting piece of sh*t thinks HIS boss is out to get him and all the way up. Bill Darden probably thought the local cheesy biscuit magnate was trying to screw him.
Truth and Miz doing the “we’re gonna MAKE OUR OPPORTUNITIES” thing goes into the Reality Era of everyone knowing wrestling is a television show, but stays real enough that we can say “okay, they’re gonna start kicking peoples’ asses”. Santino had it coming, too. You can’t play the invisible trombone until you win. Drew McIntyre should’ve wandered out looking for his theme music a few minutes later to be all “uhhhh so are we still have the match, or”.
Worst: Oh No, The Steiners Ran Nash Off The Road
My friend Chris likes to tell the story of being live at King of the Ring 1999, watching the Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince and Shane McMahon ladder match. When a mystery person pulls up the briefcase so Austin can’t grab it, a lady behind him points up and starts screaming “MAC-MICHAELS! IT’S MAC-MICHAELS! HE’S F**KIN’ HIM!” He doesn’t know if she meant McMahon or maybe Michaels, like Shawn Michaels, or if she thought Mongo was in the rafters, but it’s one of my favorite live “oh no!” exclamations ever. It’s the first thing I thought when Johnny Ace told Triple H that Kevin Nash had gotten into a car accident and needed his immediate assistance at Local Medical Facility. You know, on camera.
The second thing I thought of is that it was karma for that time Nash, Scott Hall and Syxxy-X-Pack drove Rick and Scott Steiner off the road, murdering them and leaving them for dead in a hit-and-run that they then decided to air on cable television.
Third thought: man, I wish I could get gas for a f**king dollar-24 a gallon.
Wrestling and cars never work. Goldberg ripping his arm in half punching out a window, Triple H being dropped to his death from a goddamn Sky Trak, the Hogan/Giant monster truck battle on the roof, John Cena having his body crushed by JBL (but “getting away”), the nWo driving a transfer truck into The Rock’s ambulance, Teddy Long getting run over by a car in the video game, Stone Cold Steve Austin getting run over by a car in real life, Alberto Del Rio turning The Big Show into a deranged Peter Griffin injury Wookie … the list goes on. And on, because they won’t stop thinking cars are a great way to pretend kill wrestlers.
There is seriously a DVD coming out called “OMG! The Top 50 Incidents in WWE History”. “Incidents” is bad enough (The Top 50 Happenstance In WWE History!), but if they’re gonna use Internet jargon on their media from here on out they should go for the gold and do it for everything. I know I’d be at Best Buy on Tuesday morning to buy “BRB: The Chris Benoit Story”.
I want more like this!
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