The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/29

By: 08.30.11

Worst: Somebody Put “Bad” And “Breath” On The Banned Words List

Listen to the tone of the first words out of Cena’s mouth. You just know he’s going to be terrible tonight. He calls the guy who won the WWE Championship and beat him to sh*t with it last week a coward again and says he’s “somehow mastered the ancient art of douchebaggery”. Like four kids in the crowd cheer. Even the crowd thinks you sound like a troll, John. How hard would it have been for him to say “Alberto Del Rio jumped me last week, beat the hell out of me, I don’t know where he is this week but the minute I see him I’m going to give it right back to him” if you need to breeze past Alberto’s visa issues and do something else on the show? When Mark Henry’s music interrupted him I got excited, but then Mark walked out with that sad look on his face that read “here I am on Raw again, just another person”.

Cena must’ve gotten stuck in Shooting Infant mode with his crack about Alberto Del Rio’s insufficient knowledge of automobiles last week, because holy sh*t, he’s in the ring with a two-time World Heavyweight Champion and the guy who injured Big Show, Kane and Sheamus in the span of about a month and he goes for “you wear too much self-tanner” and “your breath stinks”. He could’ve said “you’re gay, you’re black” and it would’ve been better, somehow.

And honestly, what is the deal with WWE and bad breath lately? First they have that backstage segment where Drew McIntyre et al. were making fun of Vince McMahon for having poopy diaper breath, then they have Alex Riley say death itself shat in Vickie Guerrero’s mouth, and now Mark Henry has breath like a funnel cake stuffed with dog doo. Does creative fist bump a plaque that says “POOP BREATH IS THE FUNNIEST THING” every time they walk into WWE HQ?

Best: Sheamus

I’ve liked Sheamus since he was beating the handshakes out of Goldust on ECW, but I seriously might love him now. He’s a hoss, by a DYNAMIC HOSS~, a guy who shows up and is so big and so weird looking and so rock solid that you can’t help but want to see him destroy. I’m also a pretty hard mark for former blood rivals who end up on the same side to face a common enemy, especially when they aren’t suddenly best friends. Seeing Sheamus run down to the ring to lend his axe to Cena against Mark Henry and Christian was wonderful, because Cena Plus Sheamus are probably the closest we’re gonna get to a Miracle Violence Connection in 2011, and because Mark Henry should fight Sheamus every day.

However, much like the CM Punk point earlier, I’ve got to type this next Worst.

Worst: Me Being A Hypocrite

If I give John Morrison sh*t for something and a guy I like a lot does the same thing, I can’t be a hypocrite, I’ve got to call him on it. Last Friday (Tuesday, whatever) Mark Henry World’s Strongestly Slammed Sheamus onto the steel steps at ringside. On Monday night, Sheamus showed up to prevent a two-on-one beatdown of John Cena by literally sprinting to the ring. You know, with broken ribs. Things got a little better when the match started happening and he was wearing some tape around the waist and selling Christian’s skinny little body attacks, but even then he didn’t seem like a guy with actual hurt ribs. It didn’t help that his signature taunt involves him punching himself in the chest repeatedly.

I get that Sheamus is tougher than the average bear and that yeah, he could theoretically be walking around with something that would make me lie down on the ground and die, but couldn’t he have at least not ran around and forearmed himself in the wound? Move gingerly, for Christ’s sakes. I can’t believe I have to tell Sheamus to move gingerly.

Worst: I Already Made That Match!

John Laurinaitis in story and in real life is the Executive Vice President for Talent Relations in WWE. He’s been with the company since 2001, but even if we don’t know how long he’s been around I refuse to believe he’s going to stand around backstage with Charles Robinson watching WWE’s only segment they EVER USE to build impromptu tag team matches and think he came up with a great idea for a tag match. And he does that thing they do where they put too many pauses between guys’ names like we can’t f**king figure out who’s gonna be in the match. The Teddy Long Announcement Special. There were four guys in the ring, if you put two guys on a team, the other guys are on the other team. It’s gonna be MARK HENRY … teaming with CHRISTIAN… Charles Robinson should’ve butted in with “against Sheamus and Cena, yeah that’s a good match”.

And then Triple H walks in and is all YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT MATCH BECAUSE I ALREADY MADE THAT MATCH. Charles Robinson should’ve said “yeah I made that match too”, and then the camera should’ve panned to the right so everybody on the roster could yell WE MADE THAT MATCH TOO in unison.

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