Best: CM Punk, The Miz
If I’m putting together a list of my ten favorite wrestlers in the world, both of these guys would be on it. As mentioned before, I’ve been a fan of Punk’s since he was forcing Chris Hero into Winnie the Pooh costumes, and Miz gets a pass for being from Cleveland, and for allowing me to do awesome, constant impressions of him.
That said, it pains me to give a big fat boring worst to
Worst: CM Punk Verse The Miz
Just … woof. I’ve sat here for twenty minutes staring at WordPress, trying to come up with a decent explanation of why Punk versus Miz seemed so bad to me. Some of it has to do with Miz never really seeming to know how to put everything together. Some of it is CM Punk as Smiling Babyface Chris Jericho, so much so that Not Great At Anything Else Twitter Chris Jericho takes offense. Most of it has to do with it being the most 1994 WWE match of the decade, going ten minutes that seem like twenty with the lesser guy dominating and things ending in disqualification as soon as they start moving. Truth messed up by actually getting in the ring and attacking Punk. If he’d grabbed a microphone and said PUNK! HEY CM PUNK, YOU WRESTLER! Punk would’ve dropped Miz and lost by forfeit.
I don’t know. It feels weird to bitch about the wrestling on a show that tried to give us a great amount of wrestling, and yeah, bad wrestling that goes through the motions and accomplishes nothing is better to me than the most hilarious backstage skit, but damn, a long match ending in a bunch of finisher attempts and a screwball finish nobody liked isn’t doing a lot to disprove the whole Mr. Anderson thing.
Worst: If He’s Sin Cara 2, Can We Call Him Sin Dos Caras
I’m fairly certain that the Sin Cara who wrestled Jack Swagger was not Mistico. I think it was Dr. Wagner, Jr. He looked heavier, walked to the ring to Bon Jovi’s “Bad Medicine” with a bunch of strippers. I’m kidding, of course, but holy sh*t would Doc Wagner showing up on Raw be the coolest thing ever.
No, you can tell when it isn’t Mistico because he does the trampoline well. And look, as much as we like to rag on Sin Cara for messing up a lot and everything that gets reported from backstage, there is one thing Hunico can never do as Sin Cara: Be Mistico. Mistico is occasionally going to fall off the top rope trying to pull off a move, but he’s got a grace and a goddamn speed that can’t be reproduced. THAT is what made him a box office draw. That’s what gave him a comic book and an international following and a direct ticket to WWE programming. He’s special when he moves. Hunico is fine, but it’s not the same. It’s like when WWE signed Ultimo Dragon because they wanted another Rey Mysterio. Do you guys want another Rey Mysterio? Because Mistico isn’t Rey Mysterio, he’s a hybrid of Sabu and a f**king crystalline gazelle and if he’s there, f**k-up or not, he should be on our televisions.
Worst: This Vickie Thing Isn’t Going Anywhere
I think “Vickie Guerrero’s stable of wrestlers and issues with Dolph Ziggler” got created and dumped in a pile with the Beth Phoenix “end of the Divas” story. The initial idea is solid — Vickie has had success as a manager and gets good advice to expand her clientele from a guy who desperately needs to be a part of it. So her old standard gets jealous and thinks she doesn’t need anyone but him, and it causes strife. Right? That’s an easy story to follow.
Unfortunately the only story we’ve gotten to follow over the last few weeks is Dolph yelling at Vickie and the announcers ABSOLUTELY BEATING US TO DEATH IN OUR HEADS with “VICKIE’S GONNA HAVE A STABLE, YOU GUYS, JUST LIKE BOBBY HEENAN!” Vickie fell down last week for some reason, and then this week she walked down the ramp I guess… I guess to scout Jack Swagger? And Dolph interrupted her, and there was more yelling. Why would she wait until the middle of the match to start scouting Swagger? Shouldn’t she have tons of video and like four years of working with the guy to scout Swagger? And why would she do it from the middle of the ramp? That’s the worst place in the arena to scout somebody. They have big TV screens everywhere in the back, monitors and people who watch him for a living at the announce table, even the chairs in the audience are set up to give a clear view of the ring. You’re just staring from a distance at some ropes.
And then that led to a re-up of the worst finish in wrestling, the “I’ve been distracted, whoops now every move causes Maximum Damage”. Although to his credit, one of Jack Swagger’s biggest weaknesses has always been “getting jumped on by a really light guy”.