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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/29

By 08.30.11

Worst: The War At Home

You know, Higher Learning was pretty good, but I don’t know how Michael Rappaport pulled a 20 year career out of it. And while we’re on the subject, is there a reason Triple H can only play “well-meaning muscular guy who just got out of prison”? Does Hollywood (or the direct-to-DVD version of Hollywood) only let muscular people be in movies if they’re criminals? Also, why do the wrestlers in these wrestling movies always shoot people? I didn’t see That’s What I Am, does Randy Orton go to the papers with a handgun?

The funny part is that I wrote a novel several years back and one of the major talking points of it is the Dynamite Kid and Tiger Mask matches, so WWE Films in association with WWE Tape Libraries are the only people who could make my mopey, wistful thing about eating disorders and trying to believe in God and do it justice. Thanks a lot for failing and ruining my last chance at sudden fame, Ed Harris.

Best: Sheamus And Mark Henry

Selling issues aside, I am not the kind of heartless human being who reacts with apathy as Sheamus runs down a ring apron and jumps off to shoulderblock the mess out of Mark Henry. I do not ever want to be that person. Sheamus and Mark Henry should be WWE’s Monitor and Anti-Monitor, and it should end with Daniel Bryan defeating Henry at the dawn of time.

Worst: The Killswitch

I’m going to give Christian a worst for the Killswitch every time he grinds the match to a halt slooooooowly turning it around. I don’t know what he’s doing that takes him that long, unless it’s his non-confrontational equivalent to Kofi’s corner hand slaps and Orton’s snake dance, and it’s his elaborate way of telling you to watch out and reverse it. Orton shoving him into a Brouge Kick was an appropriate punishment.

Also, is Christian getting skinnier, or is he just standing next to Mark Henry?

Worst: John Cena’s Celebration Music Is Not The Time To Change Your Marquee Pay-Per-View Matches

One of the major talking points since the show ended has been the completely random, understated Night of Champions bait-and-switch that happened backstage in the middle of a celebration and saw Triple H cancel the Kevin Nash match he’d JUST MADE to insert himself. I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about it, because God knows if they’re going somewhere with it and it’s the continuation of the CM Punk insults that’ve been going on for months, or somebody backstage went “hey, he’s right about Kevin Nash’s knees” and called an audible. No matter how it goes down, it felt like a surprise for the sake of surprise. Triple H vs. CM Punk is a marquee match and should be better in every imaginable way than Punk/Nash, but Punk/Nash is what they’d been building to (for weeks and throughout the very show you’re on right now) and Triple H hasn’t even gotten two-months deep in his COO position and now he’s wrestling and WHY IS THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS THAT IS SUDDENLY CONCERNED WITH DAY TO DAY OPERATIONS OKAY WITH THEIR CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER FIGHTING EMPLOYEES AND BLARGH

See where it goes? It goes nowhere.

Night Of Champions has to have a lot going for it, because the “all titles will be defended” stipulation forces folks like Kelly Kelly and Trouble In Star Press onto the show, and that’s a good thing. At the same time, even I, a guy who would rather kiss Angelina Love on the mouth than watch another Kevin Nash match, wanted to see Nash and Punk go at it … because God, otherwise, what have we been watching for the last three weeks? Triple H and Punk should happen, and yeah, it’s not “hot-shotted” or whatever you want to call it, but damn. Am I happy about this or not? Do I want to see Kevin Nash, really? Do I want CM Punk to beat up Triple H because of the conspiracy, or do I want Punk to stop being rude about wives because I love my wife? I don’t have a wife. WHAT IS GOING ON

It’s that nWo music, isn’t it.

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