Worst: CM Punk Is Just Another Guy
CM Punk, your backstage babyface promo, woof. Punk’s live, in-front-of-the-crowd speeches over the last two months have been exceptional, but every time he goes backstage he looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Maybe it’s because he’s not supposed to look at the camera? My brain does that, I can’t write and listen to music at the same time, the words get jumbled up and I lose track of what I’m typing. She said to write her somethin’ nice on the next track but she cute, so I wrote her ass a whole rap. Maybe that’s what Josh did. I mean, sh*t, wait.
Not to mention he used “verse” instead of “versus”, too. Ohio and Illinois, you pop-saying motherf**kers, learn how to use words.
Worst: Jerry Lawler Argues Like My Dad
Jim Ross gets the biggest, happiest Best with a smiley face for his frank, honest answers to questions on Raw. Michael Cole will be all, “THE MIZ IS A GREAT CHAMPION KING COME ON” and King is all “MICHAEL WHEN YOUR MOTHER SITS AROUND THE HOUSE SHE REALLY SITS AROUND THE HOUSE” and Cole responds with “GIVE ME A BREAK, THE MIZ IS A MUST SEE CHAMPION”. Without J.R., the conversation goes no like this for two hours and nothing gets accomplished. But Cole says “MIZ IS TRULY THE KING OF KINGS, KING” and Ross goes “I don’t think anyone’s arguing that” and Cole is brute forced into shutting the f**k up and calling “vicious clotheslines”. That’s wonderful. He did that with Matt Striker for a while, too, Striker would compare John Morrison to 19th Century poet Percy Bysshe Shelley and Ross would go “Morrison trying to keep The Big Show grounded” and Striker’s brain shuts down and we don’t want to kill ourselves for five minutes.
But no, seriously, Lawler argues like my Dad. I’ll get into a fight with my Dad and we’ll go back and forth for a while until I go “all right, I don’t want to fight, maybe we should just agree to disagree”. So my Dad starts in with “well I was just saying …” and restates his entire argument. So you say “okay, I understand” and he’s quiet for a minute, then adds “but I wasn’t trying to say you’re wrong, I just meant that …” and restates his entire argument. I’m sure you know people like that. They’ll walk downstairs and suddenly you’ll hear “BUT I THINK YOU ARE WRONG BECAUSE”. The major difference is that Lawler’s “argument” is “hot women, fat women and I want to punch Michael Cole”. Maybe you should’ve punched him during one of those 15 matches you guys had. Shut up about it forever.
Best: Champions Winning Matches, Like Actually Winning Them
I didn’t really enjoy Swagger Verse Cena or Punk Verse Del Rio, and I especially didn’t enjoy watching Perennial Number One Contender Alberto Del Rio cosplay Carlito and lose to Punk in about four minutes, but I enjoyed both WWE Champions getting a chance to compete in and win matches without a lot of bullsh*t. It’s weird that a company who routinely puts their wrestlers in hot tubs with twins, a midget dressed as a leprechaun and the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine would be so into “protecting” people and “50-50 booking” (I’m paraphrasing The Internet here) that they had to book Miz into a quarter-year of Alex Riley distracting the referee. Cena should be able to beat Jack Swagger without a lot of effort at this point, and while I don’t agree that Punk should be able to dispatch Alberto Del Rio as easily, he’s popular right now and should get that win. Both guys look like they deserve to be holding the belt, and whoever can manage to defeat the other at Summerslam is going to be respected and look strong when Triple H is standing over them, posing.
Worst: Jerry Lawler Speaks Spanish
Alberto Del Rio: “He ran! He ran and ran, like a perro cobarde. Like a coward!”
Jerry Lawler: “Well, if you don’t speak Spanish, Alberto Del Rio just called CM Punk a coward!”
Who are you, Mike Tenay? All it needed was for Lawler to pipe in with ALBERTO DEL RIO, SUGGESTING CM PUNK IS A COWARD, TAZ as soon as Del Rio’s sentence was over. You’d think a guy who likes young people as much as Jerry Lawler would’ve seen enough “Handy Manny” to know that Manny translates everything he says in Spanish as soon as he says it.