Best: Beth Kleenex
Beth Phoenix started out for her one-on-one contest against WWE’s equivalent to Eternia’s Beastman, Eve Torres, and I had this conversation with my girlfriend.
Me: “Beth Phoenix has the best entrance music. It sounds like-”
Destiny: “She has something on her boobie.”
And sure enough, Beth Phoenix, in her newly-announced and ongoing quest to rid WWE of TNA by quoting TNA, has brought back the push-up bra. It pushed her up so much you could see part of the bra poking out for the entire match, which begs the question “if you’re going to get breast implants, why didn’t you get the ones that push up without the bra?” Velvet Sky does that, she can be raccoon-naked in one of those pandering “stripper holds XBOX controller” Lee South photoshoots and her triple-Q sized left boob is at a 90-degree angle to her body. I understand why Kelly Kelly wears seven or eight bras to the ring at a time — her breasts are natural, so (because that’s how humans worked before porn) you’ve got to push them to and hold them where you want them. I’m not asking Beth to go Full Ivory and join the Right To Censor or anything, but if she’s protesting the importance of cleavage fights in wrestling, why is she dropping bombs?
Of course, despite my reservations, this gets a “best” because I am an adult male and somewhat predictable.
Best: Hey Melina, Watching At Home, We’re Better Now Because You’re Gone
Beth Phoenix beat up Eve (and it wasn’t great, because “Eve”) and announced that there would be no more “booty-popping” (thank God), no more stink faces, and (most importantly) no more splits. The women I can immediately recall who wrestled for WWE and did splits were Christy Hemme (who I am almost certain is never referenced) and the recently-released Melina. Of course, Melina was there and watching, prompting this response on her Twitter:
“Can’t say anything 2 my face as usual. This is funny. That’s WWE making a statement. They know the fans want me back. PS- Any Diva can try 2 do a split from here on out but what the WWE confirmed is that the SPLITS will always remind the world of me. Thank u. I love the statement peeps! I bet the powers that be were waiting all night 2 hear that line go on air. Hee hee. I find it very flattering!”
And a few hours later, she followed that up with
“BLEARGH ARGH BLARGGGHHHHHH”
and an animated GIF of a dog f**king another dog and throwing up all over it.
Worst: Kelly Kelly, Mistress Of Subterfuge
After taunting Eve, Beth left the ring and walked to the bottom of the ramp to turn around with her back to the entrance and continue speaking. She’d been speaking for about a quarter of a second when Kelly Kelly, Destroyer of Divas, materialized out of The Mist and bashed her in the back of the head with the Saffron City Butterfree Championship. Or a double axe-handle, it was hard to tell. Anyway, Beth gasped on the ground for a while, so Kelly took her pre-cut cutoffs into the ring to kinda stand near Eve and hold the Divas Title. Issues with this include:
1. Admirable Champion Kelly Kelly hit the evil Beth Phoenix from behind, then ran away
2. Beth had already finished beating Eve up, so much so that she had already left the ring, so Eve did not need “saving”
3. Kelly didn’t hold up the title in triumph like she usually does, she just held it up once and looked at herself doing it in the Titantron
4. Kelly tried to help Eve up by pawing at her hair
5. Beth Phoenix did not just climb back into the ring and f**k up Kelly’s Christmas
Michael Cole sounded sarcastic doing his OH YEAH OKAY WHAT A GREAT THING FOR KELLY KELLY TO DO HUH GUYS and Lawler responded with “I think it’s a great way to get ready for Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix at Summerslam!” and at no point did Jim Ross say “Michael, you’re right for the wrong reasons, King, you’re wrong for the right reasons”.
Best: Give The Divas A Chance~!
There’s a petition going around (or a “Twitition”, because our generation is in f**king Fatal Attraction love with portmanteau words) requesting that WWE “give the Divas a chance”, and while the meaning behind it is good (women professional wrestlers should be given just as much time and spotlight as their male counterparts) it is written by the Gooniest Internet Guy and whiffs pretty hard. Gems include “the ones that do get screen time, are the ones who cannot wrestle…” and “too bad Kharma had to got out and get pregnant as she could have single-handedly saved the entire division”.
If you’re going to be the guy who stands up for the women in professional wrestling, you also have to be the guy who doesn’t completely hate women and want them to apartment wrestle for his enjoyment. Let me put it to you this way — Portia Perez is one of my favorite wrestlers. I think she’s a great wrestler, and I also think she’s pretty. At no point in my life am I going to give a guy on the Internet 300 dollars to make a “custom” of Portia Perez wearing fishnets and getting choked out repeatedly by an older lady. Do I wish Portia Perez was in the WWE? Yes, I do. Do I wish she was on my TV every week for five minutes instead of Eve Torres? God, yes. But can I ignore the fact that WWE is a publicly traded company who has built a very specific part of their show to appeal to a very specific demographic? No.
The problem isn’t giving Divas “a chance”. The problem is in restructuring women’s wrestling from the ground up and convincing the average wrestling fan, and more importantly the average human being, that women are just a different set of regular people who aren’t here for our niche, perverse amusement. Guess what happens if you give Divas a chance? They’re going to get booed by those same 14,000 assholes who won’t watch an Akira Hokuto match on YouTube because it’s longer than ten minutes. The guy who started the petition but thinks it’s “too bad” that Kharma “went out and got pregnant” is going to find something else to be unhappy about, and the circle goes around and around.
My petition: Give me somebody better at what you’re trying to do than Eve.