Best: What’s Really Going On With John Morrison
Two schools of thought exist on why John Morrison took an Anti-Life Equation and lost to R-Truth like it was nothing last night:
1. John Morrison sucks (kayfabe)
2. John Morrison has a batsh*t girlfriend who keeps getting him buried (smark)
Obviously I believe number one. Number two is the school of thought coursing through the Internet today, along with the “R-Truth is getting a push” talking point. I’m not going to talk about that one, because worrying about who is or isn’t getting pushed is something you should stop doing when you’ve gotten too fat to fit into a swingset. I need to stress that I’m not hanging around backstage and sure, Bateman occasionally shoots me a message on Twitter, but he’s not Direct Messaging me with “oh my God, you will NOT BELIEVE what Melina yesterday”. I am not an insider. Hell, if it wasn’t for Hive Mind I wouldn’t even know they were dating. They might not be. This could all be a lie.
With all of that said, I think it’s hilarious that John Morrison’s unruly girlfriend from the General Manager Randy Orton underwear fashion show is making everyone he works with and one or more members of The Jersey Shore think he’s a dickface. Maybe he’s getting “buried” because he’s everything bad Batista and Ric Flair ever said about AJ Styles and Mick Foley? Flair said Foley was a glorified stuntman, but he’s not, he’s a talented pro wrestler who makes a connection with the fans. Batista said all AJ Styles does is flips, but it’s not true, Styles is a great athlete and a hard worker and compared to a guy like Jack Evans, he doesn’t do a lot of flips. John Morrison is a stuntman who flips. So, there you go.
Worst: The F**k Is This Summerslam Card
We’re like five days from Summerslam and there are only five matches on the card. There’s a possible sixth match on the horizon, but it involves Alex Riley. I want to pretend like Smackdown is going to happen and add a bunch of cool stuff (Daniel Bryan versus Alberto Del Rio for Money in the Bank briefcase consolidation! Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz lucha de apuestas, mask verse hand gestures!), but no, we’re just going to preface the Kelly Kelly/Beth Phoenix affair with an Otungacutty tag titles defense against Santino Marella and his wacky Manger Babies. Ezekiel Jackson will wander out for an impromptu rematch against Wade Barrett, and after a torture rack and 380 bodyslams we get something show recaps will call “a nice little match” that nobody in history could like. And that’s what we’ll call domination.
WORST IN ALL CAPS: ALEX RILEY
Alex Riley is now officially the worst part of the show.
Point the first: If I was ten years old, I would’ve felt really uncomfortable watching a grown man tell a 40-something woman that she smells like somebody took a sh*t in her mouth. I guess we’re still learning at the Drew McIntyre “bad breath is probably the worst insult” school of performing. Point the second: Alex Riley wins the match. Dolph Ziggler gets mad at Vickie Guerrero for costing him the match, so Riley attacks Ziggler from behind. You know, after enraging this woman by telling her somebody took a sh*t in her mouth. So the frat boy asshole who cuts his hair like Butthead is the good guy, but the woman he insulted is a horrid nagging bitch who is fat and hated and eats the Grim Reaper’s sh*t. I know we shouldn’t be taking ethical lessons from WWE, but Jesus Christ.
Best: Dolph Ziggler Takes A Punch
Ziggler sold a punch from Riley by buckling his knees, turning, jumping onto his stomach and stiff-arming Vickie on the way down. This prompted the second notable conversation of the night:
Me: “Oh no, now she’s going to miscarry!”
Destiny: “She’s pregnant?”
Me: “sigh, no”
I don’t want to have to explain to her how hitting a ring post with a chair makes Stacy Keibler fall down, either.