Best, But Also Extremely Worst: The Rock
The Rock is clearly better at delivering an entertaining pro wrestling promo than anyone actually wrestling, especially when it is as heavily edited as the one they used last night. I’m not going to ever deny the guy’s charisma, especially since Nation of Domination Rock and Willie Nelson Guitar Rock are two of my five favorite characters of all time. The Punk/Cena angle is the only thing they’ve got going for themselves right now (not counting Mark Henry vs. Sheamus, which you have to goad people into enjoying), so I approve of them sorta sweeping everybody worth a damn into a big pile.
The “worst” here exists because The Rock, even as a legitimate Hollywood movie star, even as a guy cutting promos from his balcony in Los Angeles, cannot let go of that lowest common denominator horsesh*t he’s been shoveling as babyface Rock his entire career. Bloated transvestite Wonder Woman. How does Punk call a guy a homo at a house show in Australia and make national news, but the star of Disney’s The Tooth Fairy can be transphobic as f**k on primetime television and nobody care? How does he do it? If people like you, do you get to say and do whatever you want? Is that why Roman Polanski keeps being called a genius? The stuff about Cena being a phony is good, and the stuff about him being a gay transvestite faggot woman needs to stop. For ev er. Remember when Stone Cold Steve Austin offered Stacy Keibler a beer and she politely turned it down, so he beat her up and everybody cheered? This is what your words are doing.
I remember Rock on the Opie and Anthony Show getting super pissed off at Wrestling Uncensored for making jokes about how he’s half black and half Samoan, so he can’t decide whether he wants to steal or eat. It involved the phrase “Jaqueline of the Jungle”. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that the only people who are going to call you a hypocrite are the other hypocrites.
Worst, But Still Best: Hey John Cena, Can’t Find Your Scissors? I Said Hey John Cena, Can’t Forget Your Scissors
how are you guys enjoying these insider references, you like them?
The online wrestling community is starting to take sides. The people who tweet about ratings and doomsay about everything that happens think CM Punk using DH Smith’s real name is “Russo-riffic”, an adjective derived from the attitudes and actions of Vince Russo, a former pro wrestling writer (cough) who thinks incoherent nonsense and jokes about the vulva are enough to sell a 50 dollar pay-per-view. I’ll talk more about this on the next page, when Cena goes meta and starts deconstructing everything they’ve ever said, but at the risk of sounding contrarian, I didn’t think any of it was Russo-riffic. I think a Death Bed Match where you have to put your opponent in a bed that is then risen to the ceiling of the Impact Zone is Russo-riffic. I think a busty nurse named “Barbara Bush” is Russo-riffic. I think the formation of The New Blood, probably the single worst segment in wrestling history, is Russo-riffic. I think this was an example of WWE reading and regurgitating their audiences reactions and giving them to a guy they want to be popular. Nobody cares if DH Smith’s name is Harry. Nobody. It doesn’t expose the business. I don’t even know what that means. I think being an adult and having your eyeballs open at a wrestling show exposes the business.
The insider references to the stuff people tweet about is what got you guys so excited about wrestling again. CM Punk waving at Colt Cabana and referencing Talented Luke Gallows is why your friend from college sent you a message on Facebook saying “wow do you think this was a shoot or a work?” Start cheering for the headlocks instead of the jargon and we won’t have to debate this sh*t.
Worst: “Oh And By The Way, I’m Better Than You Too, Jerk!”
Triple H butting in during the contract signing to say he agrees with John Cena’s point, then rephrasing it to make it sound like he came up with it made me want to throw up in Triple H’s mouth. I wish Punk wouldn’t have explained why Triple H is a hypocrite with a big ego, I wish he would’ve said “shut up, asshole” and continued his point. That should be the new way to deal with Triple H. Whenever he shows up, tell him to shut up, call him an asshole and dismiss him with a wanking motion. Eventually I think he’d get the point, and COO somewhere else.