The Best And Worst Of WWE Summerslam 2011

By: 08.15.11

Best: Daniel Bryan Is Maybe The Best NXT Rookie Ever

It’s either him or Maxine, I haven’t decided yet.

But no, there’s a reason Bryan Danielson is my favorite professional wrestler in the goddamn world, and it has little to nothing to do with his chocolate syrup underoos. Dragon (they came so close to calling him “American Dragon”, he had the jacket and the burgundy trunks, argh, do it) can get a good-to-great match out of anybody, even Azriel, so seeing him get an 11:47* showcase match on pay-per-view against another guy who could use a 12-minute slobberknocker in Wade Barrett is a fantastic call. As much as I want to be the outraged guy on the Internet, I think I just want to see Daniel Bryan wrestle for about 15 minutes on every show. I don’t care if he wins or loses, really. I want him to win, but I don’t get doom and gloom about it. At this point in his career he’s at LEAST as successful as Mr. Kennedy (secondary title, Money in the Bank winner, Money in the Bank winner who will probably get speared by Christian in two weeks and lose it) and that’s all I can ask out of my darling indy wrestlers. I wish Barry Sagittarius was as successful as Mr. Kennedy.

Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett was the bomb, but you don’t need me to tell you that. If you’re going to keep aping spots from the Nigel McGuinness series, I would like to suggest the “hide under the ring surprise small package” from Cleveland, the Superman dives into the crowd, and Wade Barrett bashing his face into an unprotected steel post until he has a bocce ball-sized knot on his forehead.

*Thanks, 411 Wrestling.

Best: Allow Me To Fantasy Book Myself

Fantasy booking isn’t my style, but it’s what the kids who read about wrestling come to see, so here goes: If WWE is continuing its love affair with the Internet and keeps cherry-picking talent from Ring Of Honor like its a developmental territory, they should choose Bryan Danielson vs. Takeshi Morishima as the next story to redo. Daniel Bryan can be Bryan Danielson, Mark Henry can be Morishima. Tell me how much you’d love to see Mark Henry continue his reign of terror until Wrestlemania, where a bloody Daniel Bryan wraps a chain around his forearm and elbows him to death. I want everything, the f**ked-up eye socket, the time keeper’s hammer, everything. The World Heavyweight Championship can sub for the sweet UWF-looking championship ROH had before their belt had to look like something you’d win in Josh’s Extreme Wrestlin’ Fed.

We can keep Wade Barrett as Nigel and have him win the belt on his 52nd try. Ha, I just realized this analogy makes Randy Orton Homicide. How perfect is that?

Worst: Wasteland Sucks

Wasteland is such a terrible finisher it gives me +1 radiation per second when I stand near it. It’s such a terrible finisher I want to fast travel from Megaton to the end of the pay-per-view just so I don’t have to walk through it. I haven’t seen a Wasteland this sh*tty since New Vegas.

Worst: Stephanie McMahon, Lone Wanderer

And the joke continues!

Watching Stephanie McMahon clandestinely walk around backstage just made me feel uncomfortable. Sure, I mentioned my problems with Stephanie earlier in the report, but whenever WWE goes out of its way to show you something, it invariably leads to a terrible thing you should’ve expected. There is zero chance that Stephanie is walking around backstage because she works there and is married to one of the wrestlers. No, she’s back there because somebody’s going to get shoved into a flaming dumpster or have their nuts adhered to a car battery. Somebody’s going to make out with Eric Bischoff while he’s pretending to be Stephanie McMahon’s dad.

Whoops, I just got Advanced Radiation Poisoning.

Worst: Commercials On Pay-Per-View

Did you pay $55 to watch Summerslam? Pay $1 more and enjoy a delicious Twix! Eat it while enjoying an all new episode of In Plain Sight, only on USA. Characters welcome!

Commercials on pay-per-view is a terrible idea, especially when they’re the same commercials we have to see 9 or 1400 times during an episode of Raw. I don’t know if they’re in some kind of binding contract with the iron-fisted Twix people and Big Candy will shut them down if they don’t air the short version of the lethargic homosexual cops commercial x amount of times, but I’m willing to buy a case of Twix if they make it stop. A case, and I don’t even eat chocolate. I’ve seen it so many times I’m starting to see Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston in that car.

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