Worst: Some Of These People LIKE The WWE!
I’m giving it a worst, here, but last night’s lengthy, verbose, constantly restated Triple H and CM Punk argument was a lot better than Monday’s. Punk made a more solid point than “Stephanie’s vagina be trippin'” and Triple H came across as himself, but logical and reasonable enough to want to kick CM Punk’s ass without it seeming shoehorned in. Frankly, that’s why this whole thing is starting to get a worst from me every week — I really want to see Triple H kick CM Punk’s ass, and I’m not sure that’s the intention of the angle. Like, I understand CM Punk is the bad guy and that his “Cult of Personality” act is to create the illusion of being a People’s Champion while solely benefiting himself, but when Triple H blatantly points that out, CM Punk continues on about how he wants change and everybody chants “CM Punk” I don’t know what to feel. I know that people are chanting Punk’s name and buying his t-shirt, but if Triple H punches him in the mouth and pedigrees him, do people boo? No, they’re going to cheer, because they like pedigrees and Triple H is tough. Punk has been running his mouth (way too much, and this is coming from a guy who gets excited every time Punk picks up a microphone) about nothing in particular, doing that “lol social experiment you FELL FOR IT” thing Internet trolls do where they run you down and act like irredeemable assholes for months, then call you a prick for noticing. That’s Punk here. I want to cheer for the manipulative faux-revolutionary, not the Aint It Cool News talkback commenter. Somewhere in the middle of this I was hoping the arena scoreboard would come loose and fall and crush everybody.
The “some people like WWE” line, followed by Punk’s “I want EVERYONE to enjoy WWE!” line was concerning, I think at best. I’m not 100% that the focus of this story should be how much everybody knows everything sucks. Punk’s initial cross-legged speech that made Jim Rome believe in fairies dipped into that, but not too deeply — it expressed concern for the future of a company with John Cena (the character) as its figurehead at the expense of some released wrestlers who were Punk’s on-screen friends and the very, very well-known hierarchy of Triple H Stephanie Vince Jesus God. It wasn’t news to us, it was fun because it was something we all knew being said outloud. We don’t all know that WWE is sh*tty wrestling or that there are better things out there. We don’t all know how the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations job works, or how and why people get hired, and we don’t … okay, I don’t know how anything Punk was raging against has to do with text messages and clandestine backstage meetings.
How many of you want to tune in on Monday to hear these guys continue their discussion? Raise your hand.
Worst In Capital Letters: Vince McMahon Took A Beating For Business
Near the end of the segment, Triple H explained the difference between him and Vince McMahon: the difference is that Vince would step into the ring with someone and take a beating because it was good for business. You can take that as “Vince would accept fights with people he knew he couldn’t beat up because if he’s going to resolve personal issues he might as well get ratings or sell pay-per-views”, but my first interpretation was … not that. Am I alone here? The way he phrased it it sounded like a big EVERYTHING ELSE IS FAKE, BUT THIS IS REAL, WE PROMISE. Vince got into matches for “business” and never for a personal reason, so I guess the whole feud with Austin that involved embalming attempts and Vince almost getting his own daughter crucified wasn’t because he hated Austin, it’s because Vince vs. Austin was a wrestling story people enjoyed. He didn’t wrestle Hogan because of their myriad of historically important issues, he wrestled him because people wanted to see it. The Wrestlemania match with his son that involved him drugging his wife so he could f**k Trish Stratus in front of her was business and nothing personal. But NOW, because Triple H is MAD, THIS IS FOR REALSIES.
I don’t know. I’m probably over-exaggerating it, but it was like a verbal fingerpoke that expected me to fall backwards and let it pin me. I can’t handle this fourth wall stuff anymore. The fourth wall is there for a reason, guys. Wrestling is not real, but it sucks unless you let us pretend it is. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air used to break the fourth wall all the time, but my enjoyment of the show didn’t hinge on Phil actually being Will’s uncle.
Best: Kevin Nash Makes It A Contract Signing
It’s not a contract signing until somebody flips a table. Nash had no reason to flip it, either, he just walked into the ring and decided he’d rather turn it over than walk around it. That’s funny. And he managed to show a ton of intensity, looking like he wanted to f**king murder Punk, but at the same time he took Punk’s kick and punches and made it look like the Short Order Cook with the Skinny Fat Ass could stand a chance to hurt him in a fight. The big boot to Punk and the Triple H shoving are probably for the sake of a video package and won’t go any deeper, but for once it was nice to see Nash look like a threat again, and not have to worry about him getting up the three outside steps without hurting himself.
If Nash can’t get cleared to wrestle again but has to have a WWE contract, let him use some of that intensity to make things better. If you took a wild guess at what Punk and Mister Ayches were going to say to each other and fast forwarded to the table flipping, you got a great segment. How is Triple H going to respond to Nash shoving him on his ass? Is this an example of how Nash feels about being taken out of the match? Both of those questions are more exciting than “how does CM Punk feel about Triple H’s family, show your work”.
Worst: Teddy Long’s Clothes
How hard would it be for somebody to find Teddy Long a shirt that fit? Doom and Rodney Mack only wore headgear and pants, so I don’t expect them to know. ECW general manager Tiffany (RIP) only wore clothes three sizes too small for her and I’m not sure Aksana even knows what clothes are, but somebody over the last 30 years should’ve pulled him aside and said “you do not need that much room for your torso, you look like the Kid In Me from the old Frosted Mini-Wheats commercials“. Also, somebody should tell him he looks and sounds like a California Raisin.