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The Dugout: SFinal Destination 3

By / 08.23.11

This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the Bruce Bochy’s Office in Early August Chatroom!

 
BochyBall: Barry, we asked you to come in today because we need you to fake an injury.  
BakedZito: LOL what  
BochyBall: Y’see, you and Jonathan Sanchez seem to be locked into a “who can be the worst fifth starter” competition so we need to hide you on the DL until we decide which one of you is going to be trade bait and/or a long arm out of the bullpen.  
BakedZito: I see.  
BochyBall: We’ll say you re-aggravated that foot injury. It’s nothing personal, except for all the parts about you being terrible.  
BakedZito: Well, coach, I know it hasn’t been easy since I came to the Giants. I know there was going to be a lot of backlash, and I probably wasn’t going to live up to expectations  
BakedZito: I tried my best every time I went out there, and I gave everything I could to a city that was never going to love me back, no matter what.  
BakedZito: In the end, I was left off the roster for the postseason and earned my World Series ring by sitting in the dugout and watching better people than me play baseball.  
BakedZito: But if this is what you need me to do, this is what I’ll do. I’ll do anything my team asks of me, whenever they ask it.  
BakedZito: because of the hundreds of millions of dollars you gave me  
RideTheSabean: Thank you, Barry. /wipes away tear  

BakedZito: /makes “rehab start” for Fresno Grizzlies

/steps in bucket
/falls down stairs

 
  ** Online Host **
BakedZito has lost an entire leg.
 

BakedZito: The suffering I endure…is for the good of my team. /does rooftop yoga

/dates reality starlet

 
  ** Online Host **
Welcome to the 2011 San Francisco Giants Present-Day Chatroom!
 
HulkBelievesAndresTorres: My leg!  
BochyBall: What, again?  
RomoSexual: My arm!  
BochyBall: Not you, too.  
DirtCircle: My foot!  
JuggerNate: MY foot!  
BochyBall: Hey, not all at once.  
KeppINJURE: My handwrist!  
TonyMEandDawn: My groins!  
DirtCircle: My cholder!  
ImMisterWhiteside: My face! My beautiful face!  
BochyBall: Okay, okay, everyone form a line. We’ll set up triage.  
SMiLE: Say there, chiefbro.  
BochyBall: yes willy  
SMiLE: I was wondering whether you’d seen my beard. It’s exquisite. Fact.  
BochyBall: yes you are on television every second of the day  
SMiLE: Well it’s like this, broheem. My elbow came down with a touch of the “GOT HEEMS”  
BochyBall: I don’t think you even know how to use your own catch phrase.  
SMiLE: /smirks exceptionally hard
/winks
 
BochyBall: Look kid, what are you trying to tell me?  
SMiLE: /holds up pitching arm  
  ** Online Host **
SMiLE’s pitching arm is engulfed in flame.
 
BochyBall: AH AH AH AH /sprays SMiLE down with fire extinguisher  

RowandBehold: I’m still okay, skip.

/squats
/swings at pickoff throw to first

 
HRHuffNStuff: Me too, coach. /rolls weak grounder to second base  
BochyBall: Sure, we got our three and four hitters, but how’re we gonna fill the rest of the lineup?  
BabyGiraffe: I’m healthy, Boch!  
BochyBall: You f*cking sicken me.  
BabyGiraffe: /hangs head  
RideTheSabean: Bruce! Bruce! We’ve just had the greatest stroke of luck! You’ll never guess who I picked up off the waiver wires!  
BochyBall: Who?  
RideTheSabean: Our very favorite type of player: Proven. Winners.  
BochyBall: Are they under 35?  
RideTheSabean: Not on your life.  
BochyBall: Whew.  
ADamonApproaches: Hay goise!!!  
AlfonsoManyChannels: the calvary hay officially arrive  
JorgeOfTheHungle: As long as you don’t bat me lower than fifth in the order, I’m at your service!  
BochyBall: Now THIS is a team I can win a World Series with! As long as not one more thing goes wrong, I think we’re gonna be  
  ** Online Host **
ADamonApproaches, Soriano4_2004, and JorgeOfTheHungle have all been hit by an errant city bus that is on the field.
 
BochyBall: how could that possibly  
  ** Online Host **
A massive wrecking ball swung by an unseen crane has pulverized the Giants dugout. There are no survivors.
 
Candymanx5: I TRIED TO WARN YOU, BRUCE. THERE IS NO CHEATING INJURY.  
BruceBochy: Warlp, the hell with this. I’m heading to the clubhouse for a couple dozen beers.  
  ** Online Host **
Welcome to the Giants Clubhouse Chatroom!
 
License_To_Pills: hey skip when you posting tonight’s lineup  

AllYouDoIsWinn: Ready to bat leadoff for you, coach!

/tosses softball softly into the air
/is unable to hit softball with oversized novelty bat

 
NiekroPlease: Need someone to start at first base tonight, coach? I’m your man!  
BochyBall: what in the hell  
  ** Online Host **
Welcome to the “It Was 2007 All Along” Chatroom!
 
BochyBall: That doesn’t make any sense.  
RobbieRoberston: What doesn’t make any sense, skip?  

BochyBall: /smiles

Aw hell, you guys are the best dang offense I ever had! Let’s play two!

 
License_To_Pills: sure thing coach just pass barry bonds that entire thing of steroids  

BochyBall: It’d be my pleasure, kid. It’d be my pleasure.

 
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TAGSAARON ROWANDALFONSO SORIANOANDRES TORRESBARRY BONDSBARRY ZITOBaseballBRANDON BELTBRIAN SABEANBRIAN WILSONBRUCE BOCHYFINAL DESTINATIONJOHNNY DAMONMLBPABLO SANDOVALSAN FRANCISCO GIANTSSERGIO ROMOTHE DUGOUT

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