By all accounts, Jose Canseco is a delusional maniac, unfolding mentally in front of more than 400,000 followers on Twitter. But damn it if he’s not entertaining as hell. So it’s only natural that the guy who spends his time telling us to “stop hateing and start loving” or asking for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back would take a huge step forward in his career and participate in “Celebrity Fight Night.”
I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but apparently there is a group of people who consider themselves celebrities and they travel the country making promotional appearances under the guise of the Celebrity Boxing Foundation at bars and night clubs, where they fight each other. And these fights all lead up to the main event, a pay-per-view sh*t show that opens the gates of hell just a little bit wider.
To be somewhat fair and positive, some of the proceeds will go to the Muhammad Ali Parkinson Center, so that’s good. In fact, here is Celebrity Fight Night’s honest-to-God press description:
Celebrity Fight Night is one of the nation’s most elite, star-studded charity events that uses the mediums of live auctions, musical performances and appearances by special celebrity guests to raise funds for the famous boxer’s foundation.
I assume that these famous-in-their-own-mind pseudo-celebs will receive some sort of appearance fee, and whoever is behind this whole thing will probably have some “other fees” to handle. Either way, I’m sure that this prestigious event will raise hundreds – nay, thousands! – of dollars for a fantastic, honorable charity that will probably ask them to leave in an envelope under the doormat.
Let’s take a look at the matchups, shall we?
The Matchup: Jose Canseco vs. Tareq Salahi
Tale of the Tape: Canseco, of course, is the former MLB player who claims he was blacklisted by baseball and could still play if a team needed him, even though he’s 47 and brags about his softball-hitting prowess on Twitter. Salahi is the male half of the “White House party crashers” and was just dumped by his wife for a guy from the band Journey.
Prediction: Let’s be real, Canseco will kick the crap out of this schmuck.
The Matchup: Amy Fisher vs. Octomom
Tale of the Tape: Amy Fisher, AKA The Long Island Lolita, is famous for shooting Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head and serving time in prison. Now she’s a porn star. She’ll fight the Octomom, AKA Nadya Suleman, who is famous because she had a bunch of kids and then got plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie, if she were standing on the sun’s surface.
Prediction: Octomom will win after her children run in and attack Fisher with tiny little folding chairs.
The Matchup: Louis Bellera vs. Joey Buttafuoco
Tale of the Tape: Joey, of course, had an affair with Amy Fisher that led to her shooting his wife in the head. Lou is Fisher’s current husband, so one guy got her when she was young and insane while the other got her when she was having sex with men for money on camera. Everyone wins!
Prediction: The fight actually already started when Lou sucker punched Joey at the press conference, leading to that image on the right. So Joey is currently training at The Bunny Ranch in Nevada with Joanie “Chyna” Laurer. Seriously, is this whole thing a joke? Because I couldn’t even write a plot this ridiculous in my dreams.
The Matchup: Michael Lohan vs. Kato Kaelin
Tale of the Tape: One is a guy who was a freeloader at a murderer’s house and the other provided the sperm for the birth of a girl who spends more time in court than most lawyers. I don’t even have the energy to determine which one is which.
Prediction: I’m praying that Kaelin wins via knockout by repeatedly punching Lohan in the crotch.
The Matchup: Coolio vs. Dignity
Tale of the Tape: Coolio is merely performing, to which I’ll remind you that this is billed as a “star-studded” event.
Prediction: He’ll rap “Fantastic Voyage” and then take some food home with him.
Honorary Referee: Kevin Federline
Tale of the Tape: Of course he’s the ref. Who is he going to fight, diabetes?
Prediction: He robs Coolio in the parking lot.