Shaquille O’Neal should be able to get any job in the world. Like, if he wanted to be a barista at Starbucks, he could write “had successful 19-year NBA career, starred in movies and TV shows, had video game and multiple action figures, is happy gigantic millionaire” at the top of an application and be instantly awarded a position as manager. In fact, all he really needs to write is “Is Shaq”.
That’s what makes Shaq’s personnel file from his secondary career as a reserve officer on the Miami Beach police form, featured today on the Miami New Times Blog, so confusing and enjoyable. The New Times embedded the file on their site, and while a lot is missing (such as Shaq’s substance abuse history and the neighbors who gave him a bad reference), Shaq’s request to “work special crimes unit” is there, and holy sh*t is that just the beginning.
The report reads equal parts “adorable” and “concerning”. Examples of “adorable” include:
- Asked about “special skills” or “equipment”, Shaq simply wrote: “Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance”
– Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: “All dreams have come true.”
– The worst? “Messing up so much that he thought parents didn’t love him.”
And the awesome, subtle Kobe diss:
- He listed the Los Angeles Lakers as a previous employer from 1996 to 2004. Job title: “NBA center”. Description of duties: “Everything”
But as cute as that all is (binnochulars, omg), Shaq decides to just openly lie about most things, like owning a car and completely forgetting that lady who claimed he choked her at Disney World.
- He responded “no” when asked if he had ever been the subject of a police investigation.
– Shaq claimed that neither he nor his spouse had ever sued anyone or been sued– which would be a miraculous feat for a celebrity of his stature. According to a quick public records search, Shaq had been named as a defendant in two suits in his resident Orange County, Florida, alone.
– He also claimed that he didn’t have savings or checking accounts, any investments, or an automobile. According to Basketball Reference, Shaq made $27.7 million in playing salary that year.
Compare and contrast that with his appearance on Cribs where he shows off his custom convertible Spider and reveals that he owns everything short of a life-sized Superman robot he can ride through the skies. And this only begins to scratch the surface — be sure to jump over and read the report yourself, if only to find out how nice of a person Gloria Estefan is for giving Shaq a good reference even though she only knows him “somewhat”.
Maybe on Shaq’s next application he should write “is LeBron James” at the top and see how that goes.