Here’s a picture of me making the world’s teenagers and emo bands jealous. I spent the last six days in southern California doing what one does there (eating sprouts, finding Vince McMahon’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame) so if today’s posts are just big pictures of LeBron James with “uhhhhhhhhhh” under them, I apologize. Before I try to wedge myself back into the creative process, I just wanted to formally say what an amazing dude Burnsy is for holding down the ship while I was gone and making me look like a complete chump.
Oh, and also, a huge thank you goes out to Andrew Johnson and Dr. Diego McCafferty for their outstanding work filling in on The Best And Worst Of WWE Night Of Champions and The Guest And Worst Of Raw 9/19. I couldn’t have left the column in better hands, and am really happy I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean instead of writing 10,000 paragraphs about that sh*t they pulled with Alberto Del Rio. If you haven’t read these yet, give them a look and leave these guys some love.
The Plot of ‘Two and a Half Men’ Recapped by Bored TV Critics - “Person says four or five sarcastic words, makes a face, studio audience laughs. Repeat.” I didn’t even know Two and a Half Men had a plot. At least King of Queens goes places and tries to get away with things. [Warming Glow]
Nintendo Cartridges Get Recycled: 5 Awesome Products Made From Old Games - I was hoping “40 dollar version of Excitebike for new portable system that is still just 30 seconds of game” was on the list. Nintendo cartridges are awesome and make great wedding invitations. [Gamma Squad]
Ryan Gosling Says He’ll Eventually Quit Acting To Focus On Babies - That Brad Pitt “grow a huge beard and carry people/things for Angelina Jolie” model is catching on, isn’t it? [Film Drunk]
7 Shows That Peaked in Season One - Does “The Joe Schmo Show” count? Because it had a second season, and Ingrid’s boobs were the only good part of it. [Unreality]
Darrelle Revis x Jesse Boykins III For Nike Sportswear “Always On” - My dream job is to be the guy who comes up with inspirational buzz-phrases for Nike ads like “Just Do It” or “Always On”. I come up with them all the time. My favorite so far is “Doing Sports”. Second favorite, “Dunking Constantly”. [Smoking Section]
Conan O’Brien Loves Boobs Too - I hear George Lopez hates boobs. [UPROXX]
Nancy Grace’s Cleavage Cannot Be Unseen - You know what? Real talk, I would have so much sex with Nancy Grace. It’d be like those puberty fantasies about hooking up with your mean teacher happening for real. She’d probably drink alcohol out of a Sprite can like my actual 8th grade English teacher, too. [Warming Glow]
Futurama Takes Twelve Years to Tell a Joke? - The best show. [Gamma Squad]
20 Additional Albums From 1991 Cameron Crowe Should Turn Into a Documentary - You have no idea how much money I’d pay for a “Joyride” by Roxette documentary. That song features my favorite lyric ever: “C’mon, join the joyride. Be a joy ride Er.” [Moviefone]
Six Rotten Tomatoes Movie Ratings that Contradict Popular Opinion - The Country Bears has a 30% on Rotten Tomatoes, which I’ve just realized and is total horsesh*t. Somebody get that added to this list. [The Smoking Jacket]
Actors We Love in Sitcoms That Suck - This begins and ends with Reginald VelJohnson. Wait, doesn’t it? [Pajiba]