Worst: The Fatal 4-Way Match
I like to imagine the WWE creative team looking at the card they came up with, and seeing that they put these four guys in a match together while the clock ticked ominously in the background. Nobody wanted to discuss it, they just threw this match together because they forgot that Ziggler and Swagger are both bad guys and thus can’t have a one-on-one match together. Ziggler is great and deserves better than this, Swagger is good despite the ridiculous career he’s had, John Morrison is mediocre at best but capable, and Alex Riley is about two years away from doing local tough man competitions. This match shouldn’t have happened and yet it did, because they literally have no one else to put in those spots. To be fair it wasn’t the worst thing ever, but it certainly wasn’t something I wanted to think about again after it was over. My hope is that with Ziggler getting the cheap win by screwing Swagger out of his pin fall will lead to them finally having their blow off match at Hell In A Cell in two weeks. Of course that’s just wishful thinking, as I’m sure somebody obscure like Yoshi Tatsu will get thrust into the match just to keep two guys who ride the same bus from not being best friends.
Worst: Oh, F**k You Buffalo
The fact that the crowd was dead for the whole Rhodes/Dibease match but acted like someone in the crowd was handing out free iPhones when they thought Alex Riley was going to win the United States Championship is the worst thing ever.
Worst: Vickie Guerrero’s Close-Up In HD
Just… don’t do that again.
Best: “I’m Gonna Whoop Your Ass”
Mark Henry of 2011 has done everything he can to make me forget that he fathered a hand with Mae Young and was given the European title by Jeff Jarrett for being such a swell lacky. He’s been with the WWE for fifteen odd years and for the first time he’s actually shown a convincing mean streak that won’t end with him in Undertaker’s comically large casket. When this version of Mark Henry looks at Randy Orton as he’s posing in the corner and mouths “I’m gonna whoop your ass” I 100% believe that he is going to whoop that ass. Randy Orton could have dressed like a gladiator and carried a broad sword in the match, and all I think it would have done is made Mark animorph into a silver back gorilla.
Worst: Figure Out Mark Henry’s Weight, Cole
I know this it nitpicking, but when the ring announcer says Mark Henry weighs 428 lbs, and then the first chance he gets Michael Cole says he weighs 398 lbs, that’s kind of a problem. I know WWE has selective history but he just said it. You have to give us time to forget stuff before you go changing your continuity around. Who do you think you are, DC comics?
Worst: Just Move, Randy Orton
I love Mark Henry, but his offense has the speed of Bowser in Mario 64. There is no reason why Randy Orton couldn’t just move out of the way every time Mark charged, get behind him, grab his tail, and throw him into a bomb. The most amazing thing about Mark Henry’s 15 year career is the fact that he’s yet to have a heart attack in the middle of a match. The guy sweats gravy for God’s sake, can’t someone get him a brochure for Atkins?
Worst: Standing On The Apron When You’re Wrestling Randy Orton Is Not Wise
Twice during this match Mark Henry went to the apron to avoid Randy Orton’s specials, and twice the announce team said it was a wise move to do so. If you’re wrestling Randy Orton you don’t go to the apron, because he’s going to drop you on your f**king skull. Just go ahead and pretend the apron is lava and you can’t go there, because the only way it will end is with the top of your head on the ground and Randy Orton pounding his fists on the mat like a lunatic.
Best: Mark Henry Is World Heavyweight Champion
Despite the gripes I had about the actual match, I absolutely loved the finish. Randy Orton standing face to face with this behemoth who just won’t go down, and getting flattened after a failed RKO was fantastic. This has been a landmark year for honorary championship wins. First Christian, who nobody ever thought would get a world championship, was given the belt because he’s friends with Edge and I guess Vince McMahon thought they were interchangeable. Rey Mysterio was given a token WWE title win for some reason, I still think that Ziggler’s title win counts, and I can’t see CM Punk’s most recent reign as anything other than a means to an end. I know that this title reign is probably going to have the shelf life of about two weeks because apparently WWE can’t go more than a month without re-touching on the status quo (more on that later) but I’m going to try and enjoy this while I can. Maybe I’m just being negative, but I really think that when WWE sees an unstoppable murder machine their first instinct is to make him lose to a guy pretending to be a snake.
Worst: Mark Henry’s Promo Was Written By Tyler Perry
When the large black man screamed “Welcome to the hall of pain” into a microphone, I couldn’t help but imagine Madea rushing toward me with a frying pan.