The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 9/13

By: 09.13.11  •  124 Comments

Michael Cole says “Mill-guillicutty” and “Jerry Lauer” in the first nine seconds of this video. He is paid by wrestling to talk for a living.

Best: Sheamus Is All Personality

WWE has a terrible tendency to equate smiling with fair play. The best example is Brock Lesnar, a seething beast built out of monster tattoos and log-jogging who showed up out of nowhere and coldly dispatched every fan favorite in his way; the Hardy Boyz, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, The Undertaker and even Hardcore Holly stepped up and were destroyed. Then, sometime in November, when the leaves are dead and the bad decisions really start to flow, Paul Heyman turned on Brock, transforming Brock into the fan favorite. Literally within seconds Brock changed from the unstoppable monster to this weird dick frat guy who smiled a lot and thought kissing Kurt Angle on the mouth was a funny idea. He never recovered, and now in UFC he’s an amalgamation of the two, this big super strong super tough guy who laughs like a bad guy from Final Fight and calls people Mexican as an insult.

Anyway, that’s what’s happening to Sheamus. Sheamus has been smiling a lot, so much that he’s a Kelly away from pointing with one hand and holding a belt over his head with the other, but I won’t pretend like I didn’t go OH SH*T IT’S SHEAMUS HAHAHA OH SH*T YOU’RE GONNA DIE MCGILLICUTTY YOU’RE GONNA DIEEEEE when Jerry Lawler intro’d his tag partner and Theme From Sheamus hit. I still don’t agree with Otunga and McGillicutty being paid to be wrestlers on TV who are only there because you want to tell us how much they suck, but I am 100% on board with Sheamus showing up and Brogue Kicking these worthless dudes into oblivion with minimal effort. Lawler stayed in the ring for about four seconds and somehow got busted open (I’m going to say “being 60” was the reason for that), but he could’ve sat back down next to JR and let the Great Caucasian Sheamus dispatch do it by himself. Sheamus should be getting his ass handed to him by Mark Henry, but he should let literally no one else hand him a goddamn thing.

I want Lawler and Sheamus to be a permanent tag team, and I want their catchphrase to be “it is great to be white”. That’s why you hate Otunga, isn’t it, Jerry.

Worst: Where Exactly Are You Going With This

I thought Lawler saying MCGILLICUTTY AND OTUNGA, YOUR GAY leading to McGillicutty and Otunga losing the tag titles to a couple of gays like a couple of gays was the end of this story. Then, I thought Lawler teaming up with The Internet’s Zack Ryder, lifetime record 1-99, to beat McGillicutty and Otunga in a few minutes was the end of the story. Now we’re stuck in a weird thing where McGillicutty and Otunga keep losing, and their only response is to say C’MON JERRY ARE YOU STILL SAYING WE DON’T HAVE PERSONALITY, ARE YOU SERIOUS before Jerry summons a tag partner and squashes them, and I don’t know where they’re going or how long they’re going to take to get there.

What is this accomplishing? You don’t need a month to say “these wrestlers are bad, you shouldn’t like them”, you can just not have them as wrestlers on your show. Worst case scenario, you have them lose to people you want the crowd to cheer for (Space Jam) and disappear. But this, what is this? Is it leading to Jerry getting turned on by one of his tag partners and siding with Mike and Dave to form the New New Nexus? Are we going to have Otunga bring back Skip Sheffield and Darren Young and whoever to beat up Jerry and dismantle the ring again? Is Triple H going to make Michael McGillicutty strip to his bra and panties and bark like a dog? What is happening, and why is it taking so long? Nobody likes this. Do you like this? NOBODY LIKES THIS.

Worst: Never Forget 9/11 WWE

They should’ve just played Green Day over a “DID YOU KNOW?” graphic that read “WWE IS THE REASON AMERICA IS STILL A COUNTRY”.

Or, they could’ve just played this.

You’re right, Stephanie, the 3,000 people who died in those attacks are just like when the government told your dad to stop giving Hulk Hogan steroids.

Best/Worst: The Most John Cena Match Of All Time

The less said about the Hart/Cena vs. Del Rio/Rodriguez tag match, the better. Like Kingston/Miz, it was fine for what it was trying to be … Cena wanted to fight Del Rio, but he is suddenly a coward (despite beating CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, and John Morrison all right in a row) and tosses helpless little Ricardo to the wolves. Cena beats up Ricardo, Del Rio flees, Bret Hart comes in and gets a sympathy Sharpshooter to make everybody happy. There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but Jesus, it was the most John Cena thing of all time.

Think about it. Ever since Punk hit and Triple H returned to be COO, they haven’t known what to do with Cena, and he’s been falling deeper and deeper into realizations that his world is fake. Remember how in The Truman Show the actors don’t come up with any real excuses for the strange things Truman is seeing, they’re just going about their day and pretending none of it is happening? That’s what’s going on here. The people around Cena are acting in the most John Cena’s Antagonists way possible … Del Rio, a guy who won Money in the Bank AND the Royal Rumble and who retired Edge and Rey Mysterio with straight-up attacking, is doing the thing Cena hates the most: GIVING UP. John Cena does not Give Up. He does not Back Down. Notice how Cena keeps bringing up the rental cars and the fakeness of Alberto, but Alberto never addresses it, he’s just like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT CHU TALKING ABOUT CENA, BUT” and changes the subject. By giving up and backing down, Del Rio is sorta trying to rope Cena back into this world of Good vs. Evil and away from the shades of grey and “real names” of CM Punk.

Do you know what John Cena’s real name is? It’s John Cena.

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