Best: Battles Royal, The Way To Brandon’s Heart
I love battles royal. They’re probably my favorite thing about wrestling, which doesn’t say a lot for my taste in wrestling.
Sure, a battle royal is just a string of important moments held together by a glue of guys leaning back in the corner while one-or-more other guys hold their thighs, but think of it from a fan perspective — In the first match of Raw I got to see my favorite wrestler in the world (Bryan Danielson), I got to see dos Caras (not Alberto Del Rio), I got to see Sheamus eliminate dudes with double-axehandles to the face and both John Morrison and Alex Riley got to appear on Raw with me barely noticing they were there at all. That’s a win by almost every definition. We even got an appearance from Ted DiBiase, which means at least 15 or so fans got to have a DiBiase Posse Tailgate Party before Raw. I want to go to one of those so bad and bring a pack of Tofurky and see if Daniel Bryan will show up and hang out with me.
By the way, if you don’t know about the DiBiase Posse, you can find out by watching the following video, but I have to warn you: the first 45 seconds of this video may make you want to kill yourself.
He should pay Virgil to stand by the grill and menacingly hold out napkins in a fan.
Oh, another good part of the battle royal is that we got almost 20 seconds of Drew McIntyre.
Worst: Drew McIntyre
If I didn’t know Drew McIntyre only hooked up with beautiful, socially rude vegans I would start a rumor that he’d gotten a hold of a time machine and gone back to candy-van teenage Stephanie McMahon, because holy sh*t what could Drew McIntyre have possibly done to deserve the cold boogers on a paper plate treatment he’s been getting this year? This is one of those situations where if you take a step back from the “why aren’t you using him?” talking point, it becomes “why are you paying this guy to be a wrestler if you hate him and don’t ever want him to wrestle?” The guy is talented, and I’m starting to think Superstars was just a Last Starfighter situation where the best performers get rocketed off into outer space.
Look, if you don’t want him to be the “chosen one” or whatever that’s fine, let him pay his dues. But you’ve had Snooki win a match at Wrestlemania and Michael McGillicutty hold a championship this year, put McIntyre in a tag team with Tyson Kidd or whoever and let them lose a good match to Air Boom every now and then. If you’re so dead-set on making McIntyre look worthless, at least let his worthlessness make somebody else look good.
(also, regarding that Tiffany/CM Punk segment, Punk should’ve responded with “why don’t you eat some bacon, what’s your problem, you should try being a human being”)
Best: Sheamus Verse Zeke(ial)
I think I speak for everyone when I say “hosses squaring off in the middle of a battle royal” is always great. It’s become a staple of modern WWE Battle Royal Style, and I think the best use of Ezekiel Jackson since that backstage bit where he talked about Sun Tzu with Brian Kendrick was as the large guy nobody cares about who got the f**k clubbered out of him by The Great White Man Sheamus. Now Zeke should have a Smackdown match where Mark Henry dispatches him like a bitch so we can pack up his stuff and ship him off to the next WrestleReunion.
Worst: Easy There, Big Guy
I wasn’t sure if Sheamus was trying to go over the ropes or hook his feet so he wouldn’t go over the ropes, but I was getting fever flashbacks of Test getting hung up in the ropes against Eddie Guerrero and just hanging there for 15 minutes. I’m not sure what anyone here was going for (the Christian run-in seemed wrong, mostly because of this and the weird forearm sequence between Sheamus and Cody that preceded it), and one of the great reasons why I’m not a pro wrestler is because if I found myself in this situation I’d just sorta collapses in the ropes and hang there in shame until somebody cherry-picked me and dragged me to the back.