Best: The Great Khali’s Wig = Split
I’m happy I missed Night Of Champions and last week’s Raw to avoid 150 paragraphs about Triple H “burying” people (example: “The lady at Terra Burger didn’t fill up my fry cone all the way to the top, she buried me!”), but holy mary mother’a god am I said to have missed Mark Henry, your new World Heavyweight Champion. Mark Henry is my favorite thing about wrestling right now, period. He is every good memory of Vader showing up, shrugging off the Z-Man’s dropkick and powerbombing him into a state of prolonged unconsciousness from my childhood manifesting itself as this massive Self-Proclaimed motherf**ker who picks up guys like The Great Khali and puts them down in their graves.
If you didn’t enjoy Henry standing over a fallen Great Khali and yelling IF I’M GONNA PAY A FINE EVERYBODY GONNA PAY (or the equally amazing YOURS IS FAKE, THIS IS REAL, YOURS IS FAKE THIS IS REAL argument with a replica belt guy in the audience on his way out) there may be no hope for you. I don’t care if my Daniel Bryan fantasy booking for Wrestlemania never comes true, I just want Mark Henry to treat guys like this until he decides it’s time to retire.
Worst: The Oral History Of Hell, By John Cena
The only thing bad about Mark Henry ending a guy in a minute and a half is that John Cena trots out early and doesn’t know what to say or do. I zoned out somewhere near the intermission of his Hell In A Cell declaration last night, but I think it went something like this:
except it took him 8,000 words to say it. I wanted to type a big joke sentence like “I WILL WALK INTO HELL THIS SUNDAY AND ALBERTO DEL RIO WILL MEET ME IN HELL AND CM PUNK WILL ALSO BE THERE, HAVING SOME REASON TO BE IN HELL INSTEAD OF HEAVEN, WHICH I DON’T UNDERSTAND, AND WE WILL FIGHT THE DEVIL HIMSELF FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF HELL” but CHRIST, what the hell was he even saying? The crowd seemed to like him there, but he was just miserable. Maybe he thought they were going to hate on him, and he was going to do the defiant “belt over the head” thing he does when he’s in hostile territory? You’re the WWE Champion, dude, why are you still trying to Never Give Up? You won, you don’t have to give up. You won. Why are you still on Alberto’s jock for being such a piece of sh*t? YOU WON.
YOU WON THE MATCH.
Best, Sort Of: John Cena Vs. Christian
I’m happy that clip starts with a replay of Cena’s backdrop to Christian, because it was the best. Christian is one of those guys who can have an entertaining TV match with anybody, and I liked what they did, but it sorta reeked of going through the motions. When Alberto and Punk came to blows and the action spilled back into the ring, Christian set up for a spear and ran right into Cena’s little hoppy sidestep he does to pick guys up, and I thought “okay, here’s the part where they get out of each others’ finishers”. I just wish this meant more. Or wasn’t being used as a punishment backdrop. Or… I don’t know what I want it to be, I just don’t like anything happening with Cena right now and my mind drifts back to Christian as ECW Champion or even his Total Nonstop Matches against Orton and I let it play itself out. Yes, Christian as ECW Champion is my Virginia Venit holding two mugs of beer in her underwear in a field.
Worst: English Is Not Alberto Del Rio’s First Language, Guys
Alberto Del Rio is my favorite Raw superstar (remembering that Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan are on Smackdown, Derrick Bateman is part of the 162 episode season of NXT and Ricardo Rodriguez isn’t technically a “superstar”), but I’m going to give him a worst when he deserves it — putting him at the commentary table where he has to ad-lib quickly with somebody like CM Punk is a terrible, terrible idea. People use “cringeworthy” to describe some of what Del Rio does, and I’ve never seen it… I don’t think his disingenuous in-ring things are “cringeworthy”, I don’t think his character is cringeworthy at all … but stuff like “I’m going to kick hyour BUTT” doesn’t fly, and nobody sitting at the table is interested in setting him up for anything better. It was worth a cringe, and that sucks.
You know what I’d do? Whenever Alberto has to be on guest commentary, have Ricardo sit down next to him and respond to every question with a long, Spanish answer.