Worst: I Missed The Entirety Of Ziggler/Ryder
I was in my bedroom printscreening #analbleeding responses (I’m never getting into a Blogs With Balls at this rate) and missed it. The entire thing. 411 Wrestling doesn’t post match times anymore and Green Lantern Fan only pays attention to Hulk Hogan’s Micro Championship Wrestling so I don’t know how long it went, but it couldn’t have been long.
edit: The WWEFanNation video says it turns two minutes flat, which is great for a six minute video. It’s a little sad when the exposition goes twice as long as the match, isn’t it? Here’s my quickie review, having watched the match for the first time via said video: Zack Ryder will be a huge star if he spends the next two years continually doing stuff, but not really doing anything, and Dolph Ziggler is better at falling down and getting hurt than anybody I’ve seen since young Jeff Hardy, except he’s doing it on purpose.
Worst: Now Hole On A Minnat, Playa, It’s Gonna Beee, etc.
I still don’t understand the hierarchy of control on Raw. As far as I understand it’s the WWE Board of Directors at the top, followed by Triple H, followed by John Laurinaitis (who as executive vice president of talent relations should only have powers related to talent relations, and shouldn’t be able to make matches, right, but whatever) and then the show general managers, Teddy Long and [redacted]. With this not even being Teddy’s show, he should be below a podium holding up a laptop with a dead battery. Is Zack Ryder still his assistant? Is that still a thing? And then I guess Vickie, who doesn’t do anything except “have clients” but somehow gets to be GM every couple of months.
Anyway, I really want to see him come out to interrupt a skirmish and make a match featuring guys who aren’t even in it. Like, Ziggler, Swagger, Air Boom and Zack Ryder get into a ring-clearing thing and Teddy’s music interrupts them, and he’s all HOLE ON, WAIT A MINNENT PLAYA and says something like YOU ALL WANT TO FIGHT, THEN WE’LL HAVE A FIGHT, YA FEEL ME… TONIGHT, IN THAT VERY RING, IT’S GONNA BE RANDA ORTON … GOING ONE ON ONE … with JOHN, CENA!! and then Teddy’s Rodney Mack music starts up again and everybody just stands around confused.
And then Tiffany shows up. AND THEN TIFFANY SHOWS UP.
Best: Six Man Intrigue
I liked the six-man tag a lot, mostly because of how interested I am in really basic pro wrestling mysteries. If you tell me a team’s going to have a third member, even if it’s obvious I’m going to spend the time between now and then trying to figure out who it’s gonna be. I don’t know why I do it, but that’s how my brain works. When Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger had to get a third partner or face a handicap match, my first thought was Vickie in her Excuse Me singlet. Then I started going over all the bad guys who hadn’t shown up yet … who did we not see in the battle royal? Heath Slater, maybe? They could elevate somebody and put them with Vickie’s team, like Tyler Reks or Curt Hawkins. Hawkins would be a great choice, given his connection with Zack Ryder. Maybe Derrick Bateman is wandering around backstage with a bottle of champagne in case a title changes hands and would say “yes” to a match on television. The possibilities were endless (not really), and I did my dishes with a smile on my face, because Things Of Interest were happening.
Mason Ryan showed up with a bad haircut and his orangest body ever and I went “oh, okay!” In a good way, mind you. Not “oh, okay” and a dismissive wank. Yes, it could’ve and should’ve been Skip Sheffield, but I think he died in a car accident last year and nobody’s found the right time to tell me.
Best: Mason Ryan, The Action Figure That Walks Like A Man
I guess insulting Mason Ryan once is grounds for clotheslining, but Ryan turning on Vickie’s team was unexpected and pretty exciting. I don’t know what to say about a military press into a Catatonic other than that moves like that are usually reserved for teenage e-feds and Create A Finisher modes, but damn, it was impressive and the kind of thing every kid in the building went home talking about.
I’m getting on the Mason Ryan bandwagon early. I spent five years sh*t-talking Batista, and now that he’s gone I miss him. Mason Ryan is orange, enraged, and ready to convolutedly kill you!