Finally, a Pirates of the Caribbean Dugout that doesn’t have to be about Pittsburgh.
Philadelphia Phillies star John Mayberry Jr. made headlines this week when he asked his agent to hook him up with Antoinette Nikprelaj, an actress who played a sexy mermaid in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I’d be lying if I could tell you which one she is, even with Google image search. From an article in the New York Post:
An agent at CAA’s baseball division, which represents Mayberry, has been firing off e-mails to rival agency Innovative Artists, asking them to “connect” the outfielder with their client, sultry model and actress Nikprelaj.
The story goes on to say that Andy Roddick met Brooklyn Decker when he saw a picture of her and got his agent to talk to her, so I guess “get your agent to e-mail somebody” is the new “bathe her and bring her to me”. As the official archivist for the chatroom of Major League Baseball I can’t hear “a guy on the Phillies wants to do it with a mythological creature” and not share this, so please click through to enjoy today’s Dugout, all about a man with a dream. A really specific, out-of-his-league dream.
The Dugout
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MaybeItsMayberry: hi, I’m a 27 year old 2nd gen professional baseball player who makes 400K a year, I can’t figure out how to get a girlfriend, can you help |
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| TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure! Here at the CAA we make introductions or hook up stars with suitable partners. | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: what does that mean exactly | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: we’re like eHarmony for people who are lazy instead of desperate | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: ? | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: beards and prostitutes | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: Let’s start from the top: in as many words as possible, describe to me your Dream Woman. | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: the upper part of her would be a woman, an like the lower part of her would be a fish | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: so, a Mermaid | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok i didn’t know that was a actual thing | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure, many of today’s top sports stars are both narcissistic and drugged out of their minds, so often times we find matches by opening up ESPN the Magazine and the D&D Monster Manual on the same table and seeing which pairings would be the funniest. | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: this is how Ryan Howard ended up with a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader, and why Derek Jeter was recently photographed f**king a Shambling Mound | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: is he back with mariah carey, i thought she got married | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: who even knows anymore | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: and you’re sure you want the woman part on top, and not vice versa | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: yeah I want her to be hot, I want to be able to see her hoozits and whats-its galore | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: you want thingamabobs? | ||
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MaybeItsMayberry: i’ve had twenty they’re no big deal |
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| TakeThisJobAndLovett: the reason I ask is because fish reproduction is tricky; instead of loving human intercourse, the female makes eggs, and you just sorta swing by and fertilize | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: that’s fine, it’s like sex with any other woman, only backwards | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: how would you describe yourself? /readies Newton | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: first of all i would tell a lady that I have a .240 career batting average, then i would explain how i’m the type of guy who gets his agent to send e-mails to people to set up dates, because it’s 2011 and my only perspective on women or romance is wanting to put my dick in the magical things i see in movies | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: i also own 80 fish tanks | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: i sound a lot like Barack Obama, which is weird | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: so we’ll go with "a great guy, down-to-earth, humble, Stanford-educated, etc." | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: down-to-earth is great | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: be sure to mention how i hate looking people in the eye or using the telephone | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: I think that’s included in "great guy" | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok sorry | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: so hey, if this doesn’t work what are my options, i am contractually obligated to make a john mayberry 3 | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could make a connection with a person in real life, fall in love, treat her like a partner and not like a thing to win | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: too much work | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could ejaculate into one of your fish tanks | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: also too much work | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: oh hey look while i’m here i gotta go to the bathroom, is there anything you could do to help | ||
| TakeThisJobAndLovett: sure, dook onto this iPad and I’ll walk over and scrape it off in the toilet | ||
| MaybeItsMayberry: living in the future is great |
