15) Oakland Raiders (2-2) – Screw Arizona, at what point does Oakland call Philadelphia and ask for Asante Samuel? Get this team a solid defense and I can’t even imagine how much fun the Raiders could be. Maybe even fun enough that their fans won’t have to stab people.
16) Atlanta Falcons (2-2) – What’s the problem here, Falcons? You’re supposed to be good. Hell, you’re supposed to be awesome. You’re really screwing up our gambling, guys. Get it together soon, please.
17) Chicago Bears (2-2) – Jay Cutler might be back with Kristin Cavallari. Whatever, as long as he never breaks up with Matt Forte. A nation of fantasy football owners with late first/early second round picks are punching themselves in the balls like crazy right now. *points to self*
18) New York Jets (2-2) – Don’t worry, Jets fans. According to your head coach, you have an elite quarterback who is just slightly lower than Peyton Manning (when healthy), Tom Brady, and Drew Brees. So Mark Sanchez is still right there with Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers. Oh, and just like the previous two seasons the Jets will win the Super Bowl, so this is all pretty pointless.
19) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – If Ben Roethlisberger keeps getting knocked down at this rate, he’s going to end up talking like that guy in The Great Outdoors who was struck by lightning s-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times.
20) New York Giants (3-1) – Anybody else lose their fantasy matchup this week because Victor Cruz “gave himself up”? That horsesh*t call led to Eli Manning’s touchdown and Arizona’s third loss. How Ken Whisenhunt didn’t simply explode with anger on that call, I’ll never know. And I don’t care if it’s a real call, it’s not college. The play ends when a guy is touched. I am still way too angry over this.
21) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) – Jon Gruden called Tampa’s decision to trade up in the 2009 Draft to select Josh Freeman “one of the smartest decisions in this franchise’s history.” Considering “this franchise” is the Bucs, that doesn’t say much at all.
22) San Francisco 49ers (3-1) – I reiterate my question from Week 1: Can the 49ers win this poop chute division with Alex Smith playing at a slightly-above-adequate level? The answer is already yes.
23) Washington Redskins (3-1) – If you had Week 4 in the “When will Mike Shanahan f*ck over every person who drafted Tim Hightower by once again pushing Ryan Torain?” pool, then you are the big winner.