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“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 5

By / 10.11.11

"Aw, I'm the greatest."


6) Minnesota Vikings (1-4) – In the NBA, as long as your team has one elite level player, it should always be able to win at least 40 games and make the playoffs. For instance, as long as the Orlando Magic have Dwight Howard, they’ll be a playoff team. Obviously that’s not much longer, but just follow me here. I know it’s harder for NFL teams because teamwork is so much more important, but as long as the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, they should win at least 8 games a season. That’s how bad Donovan McNabb is.

7) Carolina Panthers (1-4) – The Panthers may be the best 1-4 team ever. Sure, they may not win many more games this season, and the football gods know that they’re better off sucking themselves into another Top 5 pick for the sake of building their defense, but Cam Newton and Co. are at least making losing look like a lot of fun.

8) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The Tim Tebow era finally began and fans are excited about the former Florida Gator for his 4-10 passing performance, since it included one passing and one rushing TD. It also included him spinning around like a wounded toddler before a laser beam hail mary pass, but you take what you can get. And if I’m John Elway, I’m on the phone with the Dolphins begging them to take Kyle Orton for a 5th rounder.

9) Philadelphia Eagles (1-4) – It’s amazing that the Eagles are this low, but it sure is fun. To think, we wouldn’t be laughing so much at their misfortune had Vince Young not opened his big, stupid mouth and invoking “Dream Team” status. How many times have we ever witnessed a backup QB causing this much media grief for his team? Young is the only guy. Regardless, this team should finish better, but Reid is probably harrumphing himself to sleep at night while clutching a photo of Luck.

10) Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) – Todd Haley has managed to stop the ship from sinking, but this team is still a long way away from really mattering this season. Without Jamaal Charles, it’s all about Band-Aids and morphine. We can’t play the Colts every week.

11) Seattle Seahawks (2-3) – Tavaris Jackson has a strained pectoral muscle, but he isn’t expected to miss any time. I don’t know, is that supposed to be good news or bad news? Sure, this team has won two games, and as long as the Hawks get to play the Cardinals and Rams again, they’ll win two more. It’s still pretty sad, though, when the highlight of your season is circling games against the Rams and Cardinals.

12) New York Jets (2-3) – Settle down, Jets fans. I’m only ranking Rex Ryan’s struggling squad this high for the purpose of discussion. Let’s be honest – Mark Sanchez is a terrible QB. He’s been surrounded with quality pieces on offense and he just can’t get the job done. He can chase high school tail on a Namathian level, but when it comes to winning, he’s regressing from the Dilferian progress he’s shown in the playoffs the past two seasons. Ryan and the Jets’ brass have to be thinking in the back of their inflated senses of self worth that they need to find a new QB. Or maybe they’ll just add more receivers for Sanchez to overthrow.

13) Cleveland Browns (2-2) – The AFC North is a bit of a mess right now. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that the Browns could win a few and at least make a run at the Wild Card. In reality, the Baltimore Ravens should run away with the division, but anything can happen in the next few weeks. Well, anything but Pittsburgh’s offensive line getting healthy.

14) Chicago Bears (2-3) – I’d love to see Jay Cutler with competent receivers at some point. I’m not a Bears fan by any means, but I think we could at least end the discussion on whether or not Cutler is an overrated marshmallow incapable of winning if we had a chance to actually watch him throw to quality receivers. Maybe put him in a Jets uniform.

15) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) – The most enjoyable part of this NFL season so far has been Week 5. That’s because it was Dallas’ bye week and we didn’t have to hear anything about Tony Romo. We could fire him into the sun on a rocket tomorrow and I would still yell, “Not soon enough!”


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