Best: Vickie Guerrero’s Dress, And The Best Promo Of Dolph Ziggler’s Life
In a show without Chickbusters, a legitimate Mark Henry wig-splitting or one of those segments where a bunch of people who are never on TV stand around in the background, Vickie Guerrero’s bad-ass folklórico dress might’ve been my favorite part of the show. She looked so good. Pointing out that she’s lucha royalty without exactly explaining why was funny, although as a fan of Raquel Diaz I can’t get behind her saying she doesn’t have brats.
Disappointingly, the WWE Fan Nation video star-wipes from Vickie’s speech to Zack Ryder’s entrance and glosses over what might’ve been the best minute of public speaking in Dolph Ziggler’s life. He got fans to boo and give thumbs down to the United States of America (while wearing John Cena shirts, which is funny, because he is the most American human being since f**king Patton) and even worked in one of my favorite things, a knock on Titus O’Neil. More people need to say “Titus O’Neil will never make it” on WWE television, and not because I’m a Derrick Bateman fan, but because O’Neil is so bad he made PERCY WATSON a boring. Percy Watson, the guy doing a Norbit gimmick in pro wrestling in 2011, he made PERCY WATSON BORING. Do you know how hard that is?
Anyway, then Raw got cool because I got to see ZACK RYDER (© Punchsport Pagoda), who I’m sure used his popularity and natural wrestling talent to fill out the quarter with an engaging pro wrestling match.
Worst: Wait, What
I don’t know if you’re trying to build up the Ruff Ryder as the new Diamond Cutter or what, but as phony as a lot of great signature wrestling moves look, it is shoot a jumping crotch to the mouth, and unless he follows it up with a Danshoku Nightmare I’m not buying it as a critical finish.
Best: Dolph Ziggler Is Shawn Michaels To Mason Ryan’s Hogan
One of my favorite matches (in the way one might enjoy Gallagher’s “Stuck In The 60s”) is Hulk Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels from SummerSlam 2005. If you haven’t seen it, click that link. Shawn said everything about Hogan we’d be thinking with his body, flopping around and backflipping for punches and back rakes. At one point he sells a big boot by standing up, running around in a circle and diving head-first into the ground. It’s glorious, if not the most overtly-dickish thing ever performed in a WWE ring.
Ziggler was doing his best to take Shawn’s style and make it constructive with Mason Ryan, who excels in his ability to lift but fails in his ability to do anything else, such as running, punching, moving or talking. Seriously, this was the first time Ryan’s talked in … ever, and I know he’s Welsh, but when he speaks in shouted sentence fragments with that scrunched up face of his he sounds like Chris Burke from “Life Goes On”. It’s like Roderick Strong’s body has started to contort and transmute inert matter into flesh and made him tear a hole in the surface of the moon. He’s just this enormous f**king Steinbeckian simpleton who wants to pick you up and pet you until you die. He’s gonna win the United States title and live off the fatta’ the lan’!
Worst: Mason Ryan Is … Not Great, Is He
I love that he was too stupid to realize he was being disqualified, though. Charles Robinson is all “THE MATCH IS OVER” and Ryan just stares at him for a minute, mouth agape, before deciding NO, MORE POWERSLAMS.