Best: John Cena’s Mouth Just Came
The longer you watch that GIF, the more it starts looking like Cena is ejaculating from the mouth.
In a plot point I guess I glossed over, John Cena feels like he can’t trust anybody on the WWE roster (including his best friend CM Punk, harmless Air Boom, smilin’ good fella Sheamus who he JUST teamed with with great results, nobody) so because he can choose anyone, he decides he’s going to choose THE ROCK as his tag team partner at Survivor Series. If you can choose anyone, why not choose Brock Lensar? Choose Mark Henry. Choose Mark Henry and just stand at ringside making sure he doesn’t turn on you the entire time. Regardless, Cena picks the Rock and everybody KNOWS he’s going to pick the Rock the second he goes “oh derp I can choose anybody?”, but he takes four minutes to spit it out. Pun intended. He’s like I NEED A PERSON WHO WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF THE PEOPLE. I NEED A MAN WHO MIGHT WANT TO EAT A SLICE OF PIE, SHOULD PIE MEAN GIRL PARTS. I NEED A MAN WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO GO LALALALALALALALAOWWW BEFORE HE SAYS WORDS. I NEED A MAN WHO IS HALF SAMOAN AND HALF BLACK AND A FORMER WWE CHAMPION WITH A MINERAL NAME and we’re like F**K DUDE JUST SAY IT COME ON WE NEED TO GO HOME
and then he builds and builds and builds and when he FINALLY gets to the part where he gets to say THE ROCK … he splooges all over the microphone. Sorry, John.
Worst: Do You Really Need The Rock For This
Remember when Shawn Michaels decided Muhammad Hassan and Daivari were so much of a threat he had to call in f**king Hulk Hogan to help him, and it played out a lot like when Lesnar took automatic weapons onto the prairie and nuked a bunch of groundhogs? John Cena spent Sunday night getting thrown through the set and hit in the face with metal and on MONDAY he’s able to hold his own against two guys until they start cheating, and he needs the ROCK to beat them? I’m pretty sure if you said “John Cena and Jim Ross vs. Miz and Truth” we’d pick Cena. If anything, he should pick a bunch of new referees who can stand at a slight distance or use video technology to go “okay, these guys are cheating, so let’s throw out the match and give it to John”. That’s it. That’s the end. You don’t need to break out the Zeus Cannon when goddamn Bolt1 will kill them.
Worst: The Saddest Little Cage Match
The people who are only there to see wrestlers (and not wrestling) and have never been to a wrestling show started filing out when Cena left. The dark match main event for those of us who stuck around was a steel cage match for the WWE Championship pitting Alberto Del Rio against John Cena (who just got finished winning a handicap match, keep in mind, so he’s good enough to beat THREE PEOPLE in one night after a Last Man Standing match but needs The Rock to beat the “I’m afraid a SPIDAHS” guy) and I gotta admit, I thought Cena was gonna take the strap.
But no, look at that cage. That is the saddest cage of all time. It’s like six feet tall and they put it together in 20 seconds before the match. Mitch Franklin wouldn’t have had trouble putting that cage together, it looks like it’s made by Mattel. Can’t climb over or escape through the door? Go through one of those gigantic spaces between the wall segments.
If you need a report on who won, let me type this and allow you to tell me if it’s what you guessed: Cena was going to win, but Miz and R-Truth ran out and beat him up, allowing Del Rio to retain.
Best: John Cena’s World Series Update
After this third opponent and second beatdown of the match, Cena was able to pal around at ringside and sign some autographs. He made sure to update us on what was happening in the World Series, mentioning that the game was almost over and that the Rangers were up 4-2, and I swear to God I thought he was going to announce that the TEXAS RANGERS HAVE COMPROMISED TO A PERMANENT END THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS.
Philosophical Worst: Post-Show Shilling
As we left the arena, we ran into guys selling nearly everything. Bootleg t-shirts, glow sticks, PIZZA. My parents would’ve NEVER bought me a glowstick lightsaber AFTER the wrestling show. That thing would just be out of light and end up failing to bio-degrade in my toy box. The pizza was only five dollars, and if I’m gonna buy pizza from a guy in the street he’d better have an apparatus from which to sell it.
Anyway, I bring this up because there was also a guy in the street selling wrestling masks. A little kid in a John Cena shirt who’d been screaming “YOU SUCK” at Alberto Del Rio all night begged his mom for one, and she caved in. He put it on and walked happily back to his car. The mask he bought was Dos Caras, and he has no idea.