Worst: We’re Like Four Hours From Mexico And Still No Alberto Del Rio Shirts
I got a Daniel Bryan “Submission Wrestling” shirt for a Christmas a while back, but the last WWE shirt I physically paid for was a bad one — I bought the “Age Of Orton” gas mask shirt at the Shane-O-Mac-O-Rama Cleveland Raw because he’d kicked Vince in the skull the week before and it was awesome and we thought it was going to go somewhere. I haven’t really been able to outlive that shame, but I came to this merch stand flush and prepared to buy the Alberto Del Rio shirt, or at least one of those leftover Vengeance ones with Mark Henry screaming on the front. My weekend of ADR disappointment continued. Look at this stand.
From left to right we’ve got the out-of-date Zack Ryder shirt, Big Show’s sexy Halloween costume, Kofi Kingston’s racist caricature, a Randy Orton shirt I’m pretty sure is supposed to be packaged with his DVD, two progressively worse John Cena options, an “I paid money to go to a WWE show, remember” K-mart special, a CM Punk shirt that makes me super sad now and the ice cream one that never should’ve been made, a Miz shirt without contractions that makes me wonder if they spelled out “you are” because they weren’t sure how to do it, Rocky, Triple H and a guy who isn’t there. Above them, a row of John Cena “okay” foam hands that I’m pretty sure I get punched in the balls if I look at. No Del Rio shirt, no Ziggler shirt, not even Sin Cara. Not even John Morrison’s “TOOK OUT YA TRASH, BYOTCH” tee for maximum irony. Nothing.
I saved my money and am gonna donate it to the Send ACH To The East Coast fund, because that guy should already be a millionaire.
Worst: Heel Interference In Squash Matches
I missed the entirety of this match milling around at the merch table, so can somebody please explain to me why Dolph Ziggler needs Jack Swagger interference to beat Santino Marella and why he didn’t just f**king murder him? Ziggler should’ve showed up, kicked the hell out of him, sold like a champ for that dumb Ernest The Cat Miller hiptoss thing, ducked the Fingerpoke Of Ethnic Doom and Zig Zagged him into god-for-f**king-saken dust.
Imagine if Ring of Honor had run Samoa Joe vs. Ebessan, but had Ebessan kick Joe’s ass for a while and Jay Lethal had to run out and distract him so Joe could win. How weird would that’ve been? You don’t need to 50-50 book the best wrestler in your company with the guy who gets cheered because he talks funny.
Best: The Bella Twins Are Being A Star
Oddly enough I enjoyed the Bella Twins pulling a 180 and being happy that Zack Ryder gets to team with John Cena in the main event. I don’t know why this happened, or if the Bellas got the Ted DiBiase “you’re in the room, be in this segment okay GO” moment of the night, but I guess if you have to set them up as likable girls so people will woo instead of boo next week when they make Miss Piggy jealous of Kermit this is the way to do it. I want this Raw on DVD with a deleted scene depicting the Bellas continuing to talk about how excited Zack Ryder must be for his match for the remaining sixty minutes.
Speaking of Zack Ryder,
Worst: What The Hell Are You Nodding At
Somewhere in the Vengeance report I mentioned how I wasn’t enjoying the major label version of Zack Ryder and was called a hipster, but I’m going to stand by it. What is he looking at? Why is he nodding? Is he daydreaming about Rosa Mendes again, except this time we can’t see it? He’s doing the wrestler version of the “stare off pensively into the distance until we cut” thing from the end of Josh Mathews interviews. I screamed YEAHHH KILL HIM when Miz and Truth attacked, and even that got ruined when Miz missed his kick and easily destroyed the set piece Alberto Del Rio spent two minutes getting over as super heavy and devastating at Vengeance. Oh well.
And speaking of Miss Piggy,
Best: Next Week’s Muppet Raw
Kermit the Frog as John Cena is better than actual John Cena. And honestly Miss Piggy DOES look like Kelly Kelly. That’s not a fat joke or anything, she actually physically looks like Kelly Kelly. I think it’s the hair, or the angle of her eyeballs. Miss Piggy has more believable offense, though, and I want to see a puppeteer with half his body under the ring do a better job of running the ropes.