Best: John Morrison!
I’m not afraid to give my least favorite wrestlers Bests when they deserve them. Last night’s Raw was the best use of John Morrison since Rey Mysterio put on his Samwise Gamgee mask and carried him up the slopes of Mount Doom. Whereas Drew McIntyre is a complete wrestler who probably shouldn’t be losing every match he wrestles, Morrison’s strengths are clearly his defense — it’s not exciting to see him whiff Starship Pain by a foot and a half or slap his leg before the kick comes all the way around, but it is exciting to see him twist his way out of being thrown off the stage by Sheamus, or dodge a CM Punk kick with Eddy Gordo Capoeira or counter out of a biel with a corkscrew. I don’t buy that being able to run toward a trash can and jump over it without slowing down translates into deadly offense, but if a guy can do that with a trash can, he can probably do it with Mark Henry.
I’m also not sold on Morrison’s ability to look like he’s hurt, but I love how well he falls. He falls like a person might in a Tony Hawk game. I’d say put him and Ziggler in the ring against each other all the time if it didn’t make them look like they were wrestling in a bounce-house. Or like they were on MatRats, depending on your level of reference.
Best: Mark Henry Is Done Witchoo
One of Mark Henry’s big talking points as World Heavyweight Champion has been that he’s not stronger than he was 15 years ago, but he’s smarter, more ruthless. After beating Randy Orton for the second time in a row at Hell In A Cell, Henry tried to induct him into the Hall Of Pain and got attacked repeatedly with a chair for his troubles. He fled, and when he came out for his match and tried to rub his championship in Orton’s face, Orton attacked again. So what does Mark Henry do? He remembers that he’s beaten Randy Orton twice in legitimate, clean pay-per-view title matches and says he’s done with him. What reason would Henry have to keep getting into situations where Orton forgets to take his pills and freaks out on IED and tries to beat him to death with a table leg, or whatever? Henry’s the champ, he’s beaten the former champ in a rematch, and now it’s time to get into a really big car and run over the Big Show’s leg. You’ve seen the Pulp Fiction commercials for Vengeance: give Mark Henry his wallet back, Orton, it’s the one that says Fat Motherf**ker.
If we time this right we can have Henry run through (over) the Big Show at Vengeance, let him World’s Strongestly Slam a returning Kane at Survivor Series, eat a bowl of cereal in the skull of The Undertaker at TLC and squash Yoshi Tatsu (or whoever) in the token “this guy’s getting a title match, are you serious bro” Royal Rumble defense. If he does that, he should be able to tread water until we get the Daniel Bryan match at Wrestlemania. I’m going to keep reminding you to do this until it happens, WWE.
Okay, here, fine: Daniel Bryan wins, but loses on Raw the next night when Triple H cashes in his Triple H In The Bank briefcase. There, now you’ll do it.
Worst: Shiny Happy People
Lord, look at this.
That’s the graphic they used for the “we appreciate THE WWE UNIVERSE and LOCAL CITY” side of the main-event 12-man tag. That picture of Sheamus looking like he was animated by f**king Terrytoons is everything wrong with smilin’ hoss Superstars, and God, from what rejected Just My Luck poster bin did they pull that Mason Ryan photo? It looks like they got it off his MySpace. Look at his hair, he looks like President Johnson. How weird is it that the only guy not smiling in that group photo montage is John Cena? This is the guy that is so into calling people gay he photoshops their faces onto Wendy’s bags. That guy, the guy that slapped Stephanie McMahon on the ass and spraypainted “poopy” on JBL’s limo. That guy is the least happy guy in the photo.
Maybe he’s just preoccupied, and secretly trying to rebuild Candice Michelle’s face in a magazine cutout collage.