The Best Best Of All Time: AJ As Kitana
Like many of you, I recognize that AJ is a beautiful young woman and assumed her “HEY PALS I’M A GAMER GIRL VROOM VROOM STAR TREK BEEP BOOP” thing was just a way to get her over with that crowd who believes Olivia Munn loves StarCraft and isn’t just posing naked with an Xbox controller to take your money. Last night, in the same ring where Brie and Nikki Bella dressed as the Super Mario Bros. because they were “major league butt kickers”, AJ dressed as Kitana from the Mortal Kombat series and, in nearly every definition of a masterstroke, tried to f**king levitate Tamina with her fans.
Do you understand what this means? It’s all real. AJ is actually this person. Look at her, she did the stance and everything. The fans would’ve levitated her, too, if this had happened in CHIKARA. How do you come to terms with this? It’s like meeting Santa Claus and finding out he actually brought presents to your house for like 10 years before you stopped believing in him. It’s like meeting John Cena and finding out he never gives up IN REAL LIFE. AJ, beautiful young pretty AJ with her size 0.3 waist and optimistically five-figure pro wrestling salary knows who this Mortal Kombat character is and could reference her like I might. I’ve never been so happy. Congratulations, AJ, your little fan waggle moved you into my FAVE FIVE. From now on I’m referring to you as “my girl AJ RIGHT THERE”.
And in case you were wondering, AJ, Archibald Peck, Portia Perez, Miyako Matsumoto, Akira Tozawa.
Worst: Ol’ Hollow Eve
And way, way over on the other end of the believable costumes spectrum we have battle royal winner Eve Torres, who explained via WWE.com Exclusive that she chose Robin because “not a lot of people know this, but Robin was a master of the martial arts”, and because she trains in jiu jitsu she feels a special connection to Robin, and I guess not Batman or Nightwing or Lady Shiva or Batgirl or Talia al Ghul or Catwoman or the f**king Creeper or the 100,000 other Batman-related characters who know martial arts. She feels a connection to the one who has a shiny “sexy” version of his costume at the Halloween Express. The Batman character who pops his coochie before he does a handspring onto guys. That guy. Deep connection.
While we’re at it, as much as I liked Kaitlyn as Dog: The Bounty Hunter and Aksana as the world’s least athletic Morticia Addams, how many more times are we going to have a battle royal to decide the number one contender to the Divas Championship? Is there no other way we can get to this point? Eve won a battle royal to be named the same amount of contender she was two weeks ago. Good job, Eve! What’s the purpose of the other Divas if only Kelly Kelly, Eve and Beth Phoenix get title shots? Wouldn’t it make sense to give Alicia the win here, since she beat Natalya on last week’s Raw? What about giving the shot to someone like AJ and giving them a chance to get a crowd response by actually accomplishing something? If you felt something stronger than, “well here’s Eve again”, you’re lying. Nobody cares about this or likes this. Hell, give it to Nikki Bella, I’d rather see Beth trying to thwart Twin Magic with brute strength than see her pretend the Eve-a-canrana or whatever is a legitimate part of a moveset.
Another thing: girl battles royal where you can toss out your opponent through the ropes instead of over them are pro wrestling’s version of rec league softball where if you walk a guy, the girl batting behind him gets to walk too. Completely stupid. You’re just assuming the girl isn’t any good at softball. Eve can spring backwards off the top rope, but she can’t put a little effort into picking somebody up? Come on. Rey Mysterio is as short as these women, shouldn’t people be allowed to boogie board him under the bottom rope during Royal Rumbles?
Best: SummerSlam Closure
During the Cee Lo Green Oompha-loompic performance portion of the Best And Worst Of WWE Summerslam 2011 report, I wrote the following:
Worst: Why Is Alicia Fox A Sailor
Nobody else was wearing a sailor hat. Cee Lo Green isn’t a sailor. What are you doing, Alicia Fox?
Last night on Raw, Alicia Fox competed in the Divas battle royal and guess what her costume was? She bought her costume for this in August. Not since Test showed back up to mention Triple H stealing Stephanie from him have I felt so relieved by a moment of pro wrestling closure.
Best, Oh God This Is So Best: Beaker O’Shaunessy
All of the buys. All of them.
I have a working theory substantiated by 500 episodes of Muppet Babies that it’s impossible to put Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker on screen and have it not be great, and last night continued to prove it. Every moment of this was great, from the idea that a Wellness Tested company is allowing a puppet to cook for them what amounts to blue meth to Christian wanting to meet Muppets but feeling insulted by them not wanting to meet him back (and shoving down Beaker’s head and calling him a nerd) to the coup de grâce: Sheamus BEING A STAR and revealing that he’s distantly related to Beaker. When you approach a Muppet Raw your brain types things like, “they should make Breaker and Sheamus interact because they look exactly the same LOL”, but when they actually do what your brain typed it’s a revelation. All we needed was Sweetums putting Sheamus through the security barrier.