Best: This Raw Has Been Pretty Good, And I Just Realized Why
Oh hey, yeah, none of this has been happening. Triple H is out for at least five weeks with a “we trusted Kevin Nash to wrestle in 2011”, but I’m sure when the doctors realize how tough and strong and cool he is he’ll be back sooner.
Worst: Ugh Wait This Is Still Really Bad
I don’t want to devote another thing to goddamn Michael Cole and WWE’s attempt to recreate the lightning-in-a-bottle of anal bleeding by naming off rectal diseases on national television. The Michael Cole Challenge got cut for time, possibly due to Del Rio/Big Show taking up 89 minutes of programming, and we STILL had to have a diaper-wagging, Jim Ross is a fat old palsied loser thing, didn’t we? The only logical solution here is that someone steps in, fires them both and lets Jack Korpela and William Regal take over on Raw. WWE, if you’re ever planning to do something I suggest in this column, do this one.
Best: Easy Melina Jokes
“John Morrison should’ve hooked up with Miss Piggy, since Melina was already off somewhere f**king Kermit the Frog” and so on. This was the best use of John Morrison since he Got Got by R-Truth a few months ago, and only would’ve been better if we’d gotten to see him parkour over a bunch of Muppeteers to hit his mark. Also funny is that he had a “friend” who would be a better date for Miss Piggy, but just turns around and underarms the nearest Muppet-sized person to be his replacement. Too bad Austin Aries doesn’t have a WWE contract.
It would’ve been funnier if he’d agreed to go out with Piggy, only to wander back in with a dozen roses a few hours later to find her getting porked by Batista.
Best: Hornswoggle, Living The Dream
But no, Hornswoggle. In a conversation a few days ago I referred to him as the Peter Dinklage of wrestling, or “the midget with dignity”. It was refuted, because of all the condescending sh*t they’ve pulled on him, but consider everything Hornswoggle’s done since arriving in WWE.
1. be Cruiserweight Champion
3. hug hot 30-something MILF Sunny, and he’s not very tall so he basically faceplanted in her boobs
4. have one more awesome Wrestlemania moment than Ultimo Dragon (getting hit by a trashcan)
5. pin at least five more non-little person male wrestlers than Braden Walker
6. merge the WWE and Home Alone universes
7. hang out with Muppets
This guy was wrestling in NWA Wisconsin a few years ago, sitting beside me at an ROH show in Chicago. Now look where he is. He has action figures and shows up in video games. Hornswoggle is living a life I would’ve been proud to call my own.
Best, So Many Muppet Bests: Kermit Gets Bagged
It’s hard, especially on a show with AJ doing the Fan Lift and Statler doing “you can’t see me” until he collapses, to say what the best moment was. It was AJ, but the second best was Kermit getting a tiny, pre-prepared paper bag stuck on his head by Cody Rhodes for no reason. Muppet Raw is the best and should stay like this forever. There is no end to the amount of “all we need now is ____” sentences I can write. All we need now is for Ted DiBiase to sing a tender song about which step he chooses when he sits on the stairs. All we need now is Scotty 2 Hotty to show up and have a dance-off with Slimey from Sesame Street. See?
A billion bests.