Worst: Jesus, John, Stop Hurting Mike
It’s the first move in the video. Watch as John Cena hits the ropes, forgets he isn’t trying to mangle a f**king African Elephant with his monster body and just PLOWS through Miz with a clothesline. Holy sh*t, why is it that every time Miz gets into a match with Cena he ends up having his head smashed against something?
I enjoyed Cena vs. Miz a little, especially when this happened and they started going 1998 All Japan with the head drops and all, but I think there needs to come a time when we step back and accept that while Cena and Miz both have a lot to offer as wrestlers, they don’t have a lot to offer wrestling each other. It’s just not great ever, and it always reminds us of Wrestlemania and the worst non-Hogan main event in that show’s history. They just do their stuff, and no matter how much better Miz gets at his taunts, Cena’s still just gonna jump at him as hard as he can and bruise his brain and we’ll have three more months of Alex Riley feud-quality Miz to live through.
Also, this whole thing:
Worst: Thank Goodness The Rock Will Be Here To Help Him Soon
In last week’s column I mentioned how superfluous it seemed for John Cena to beat up The Miz and R-Truth in a handicap match by himself on Raw but need to call down THE THUNDER in the form of Dwayne Johnson as tag team back-up at Survivor Series. It got way, way worse this week, when R-Truth jumped Cena from the crowd but got IMMEDIATELY dispatched, and Cena just nonchalantly rolled back in the ring and STF’d Miz into submission. It got somehow worse than that when Truth got BACK into the ring, only to get Attitudinaly Adjusted, demasked and mocked.
Again, if you can beat these guys so handily yourself, 1) why is everyone afraid to them to the point of walking out, and 2) why do you need the guy you hate most in the world to show up and have your back when you fight them again? Kofi Kingston just lost a partner and he doesn’t have the wherewithal to turn on anybody, grab him. Anybody. Jim Ross. Anybody. They aren’t tough, and as long as the C.O.O. isn’t around you’re the toughest and most Never Giving Up of them all.
Worst: Falling Off Hard
Early in the night, sometimes around Jack Swagger clamping Kermit’s mouth shut, I posted “this is the best Raw in history” on Twitter. As the boldface says, it fell off hard. I don’t know what happened. Early on even the bad wrestling was kinda good (Del Rio vs. Big Show might still be going on, I haven’t checked), but by the end there were maybe 2 Muppets per half hour and a bunch of retread. Survivor Series is hurting right now, headlined by the tag team match nobody really asked to see and an Eve Torres title match, all of the champions are losers and one (and only one) of them is on drugs for 30 days. You should be using these extra few weeks to build to a really good, really well put-together show, guys, not waiting until two weeks prior and holding battles royal to decide everything. Don’t make me fantasy book it. I hate fantasy booking. I will fantasy book the Chickbusters into the WWE Tag Team Championship if you make me fantasy book it.
Hopefully next week’s show will come back hard with some good wrestling, because after that is the three hour RAW GETS ROCKED special that I legitimately might get someone to fill in for me on, because holy sh*t. I’m just going to watch six episodes of The Muppet Show and report on those instead.