Worst: Again, This Is A Three Hour Raw
So much of the show just … didn’t seem to matter. I was happy to see Mick Foley back in a WWE ring, but not really the version of Mick Foley that exists now, and not really the WWE ring i was watching. With Mick Foley and Kevin Nash anchoring segments and, again, a Mexican guy with the gimmick “Mexican STREETS guy”, it made things feel a little too Impactful, and Impact has been bad enough for the last five years to make that a legitimate derisive adjective.
I am happy to see Mick, though. I’ve been a Cactus Jack fan since I was 11, and remember, I am extremely old.
Best: The Best Non-RO&D Moment Of Bull Buchanan’s Life
The clip from WWE Fan Nation omits the best part, which is when Bull forlornly walks up the ramp, but stops before he leaves to turn around and add THANKS A LOT!! I was laughing my ass off. If Bull had shown this much hilarious yokel charisma during any point of his WWE career, maybe he never would’ve retired into dog-bite obscurity. When Foley started the segment I sort of jokingly turned to Destiny and said “maybe Bull Buchanan will show up”, as if she had any idea who he was or it was a remote possibility. My only two issues with the best two minutes of the 77-minute segment were that 1) clips of Doctor of Thuganomics John Cena make me remember how awesome he was and magnifies how lame jortsed-out Troops Pal Cena has been for the last … however long it’s been, and 2) I’m not sure John Cena is Bull Buchanan’s best tag team partner ever.
Well, let’s look at it. According to his Wikipedia page (lol @ his real name just being “Barry Buchanan”), he’s held the following tag team gold:
- AJPW All Asia Tag Team Championship (1 time) – with Rico Constantino (worse than John Cena)
- GCW Tag Team Championship (3 times) – with A.J. Steele (1), David Young (1), and Johnny Swinger (1) (all worse than John Cena, especially Johnny Swinger, who is worse than me and most housepets)
- OVW Southern Tag Team Championship (1 time) – with Mr. Black (way, way worse than John Cena)
- USWA World Tag Team Championship (3 times) – with The Interrogator (or Kurrgan, worse than John Cena but way better than Mr. Black, who is basically Kentucky’s version of CAPW’s “The Bouncer”)
- WWF Tag Team Championship (1 time) – with The Goodfather (worse than John Cena, especially during this era, when he was a Wrestling Rib)
But then there are two big exceptions:
- The Big Bossman, who teamed with him for a while but they never won tag team gold, and
- D’Lo Brown, with whom Barry won the GHC Tag Team Championship (1 time) and Global Tag League Technique Prize (2008, 2009)
And hell, that Wrestlemania match with Undertaker has me willing to put Cena over the Bossman, but I’m not sure I can in good faith say “rapping best friend” John Cena was a better tag team partner than Japanese D’Lo Brown. I mean, come on Bare, don’t you remember why you stopped teaming with Cena?
He should’ve claimed Rodney Mack was the one who gave him rabies. Also, “m’dog gave me rabies” is my new excuse for quitting any job.
Best: The Best Selling Of John Cena’s Career
I hate giving Cena “Bests” on a show where you know I’m going to give Rocky so many “Worsts”, but John Cena’s “dying a thousand deaths” faces from the “This Is Your Life” segment were outstanding. He had a realistic reaction to his Little League coach (as “I know the embarrassing thing he’s about to say but I can tell you how it was worse because I had to live with it and get over it” is a pretty complex pro wrestling emotion), a nice mixture of “yes, I know you” and “sorry about living moving on” for Bull Buchanan, and that killer response to his Dad pictured above.
And speaking of Mr. Cena,
Best: Johnny Fabulous
Hoooooooly sh*t how much do I love John Cena Sr., and how much do I wish he was a regular fixture on the show? The guy has decades of experience as a pro wrestling manager and has somehow developed a condescending voice I love even more than Cody Rhodes’. A quick points rundown for John Senior:
+10 points for having a Big Band entrance theme, which may or may not have been the Raw Roulette music
+100 points for pronouncing “testosterone” as “taz-test-aron” like he’s cutting an off-the-hip Grand Wizard promo
+1000 points for breaking out the “Rocky doesn’t suck, YOU SUCK!” crowd chatter from WWF Attitude
Mr. Cena for Raw General Manager. I’d rather see him than anyone not in that Smackdown clip I linked into the intro.
Best: Bill “The Rock” Goldberg
The Rock showing up, pity-killing Mick Foley with a Rock Bottom and immediately leaving before his music stopped was maybe the first time I’ve loved babyface The Rock since Survivor Series ’98. As someone who was there when Goldberg started this streak, I know unarguably that what made casual fans love ol’ Bill so much is that on a show full of boastful, constantly-talking people he just walked to the ring, murdered people in three minutes and LEFT. That was it. He didn’t spout catchphrases, he didn’t have wacky shirts, he didn’t zip-line down from the rafters. He had Viking Death Music, let fireworks burn him, backflipped occasionally and made people die with his shoulder. It was great.
And that was the Rock last night, at least in the 30 seconds-or-so of glory before the darkness came. He seemed purposeful, and more like a pro wrestler than he’s seemed since (give-or-take) Summerslam ’04. It was good, and I’m not afraid to admit it. Also, it ended this segment before Yurple could appear.
I want more like this!
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