Best: Sheamus Vs. Swagger Was Fine
It was. It was completely fine. It’s the kind of match I’d play in Fire Pro or build an EWR campaign around, but given the constraints of a Raw match, the timing of happening in hour 14 of Raw Gets Rocked and my aforementioned weekend of pro wrestling bliss I found myself not enjoying it as much as I should’ve. I sorta went in and out. Around here is when I went ughhhh and decided to watch the rest of the show in bed.
But again, it was fine. Three hour Raws come with two big rules that I always ignore:
1. They will be worse than two hour Raws and I should just skip them, and
2. They will have less wrestling than normal, for some reason, and what is there will be bad
… so “fine” sorta seems like a thing I should be praising more. Sheamus continues to be a perfectly-honed WWE-Style good guy and the Irish Hand Grenade always makes me laugh now. Jack Swagger is a good story turn away from being set for life, because he’s solid-to-very-good in the ring and has more personality than we get to see. It’s an easy win to say “give them a story and 15 minutes on a pay-per-view”, but I guess you could say that for everyone. Is malaise kicking in? Remind me to only watch Combat Zone and like, WOW: Women Of Wrestling before watching Raw next week.
Worst: Who Would You Rather Hang Out With
The Bella Twins ditch Zack Ryder to talk to Alberto Del Rio. Ryder, not content with being outside the camera frame, interrupts them to say “woo woo woo you know it” and everybody just kinda goes “whatever” and leaves. Ryder removes his plastic sunglasses, adjusts his novelty wig and slips on his Zack Ryder Top Rope Speaking Gloves to add “come on bro” and we hold on him for several minutes.
Best: Hombre Magazine
Del Rio namedropped it like it was the fictional, non-union Mexican equivalent to Playgirl, but it is a real thing, and he’s really in it. It looks and reads like one of the bachelor profiles in a local magazine. “Oh hey this guy is a handsome business millionaire and he’s only 32, I wonder why he’s single!” Probably because he’s a prick, local magazine.
Worst: No Brodus Clay, Again
I was okay with it last week, but no Brodus Clay this week makes Brandon something something. I only took one philosophy class in college, I don’t have a lot more “I am the fall of humanity” jokes. By the time he shows up it’ll be another Blood Runs Cold situation where we’ve built up MORTAL KOMBAT NINJAS in our heads and end up with a blonde white guy doing day 1 Taekwondo kicks in a spotlight. Or, stop mentioning him now and bring him in when we’ve forgotten. Have Daniel Bryan valiantly fight his way to Wrestlemania, topple Mark Henry in a bloody, violent 22-minute classic and have Brodus show up out of nowhere and trounce him out of nowhere like he’s the goddamn Necron. An “oh no, I’ve got an even BIGGER guy to fight now” moment.
And call his splash the “Neutron Ring”.
Best: Kelly Kelly’s Butt
Objectively she’s got a pretty nice butt, even if her best use for it is lying on cars in warehouses. And while we’re at it, why are people always laughing so much during these behind-the-scenes photoshoot videos? Does the photographer crack jokes nonstop to disguise the fact that he’s the guy who takes photos of naked ladies on cars in warehouses?
Worst: Women’s Wrestling, As It Were
The video for this match is only 1:07, but it features the entire match, and the wrestling stops 20 seconds before the end.
One of the most surreal experiences during my Wizard World weekend was this:
The Ladies Of Wrestling
Maria, Melina and Candice Michelle answer your questions about what it takes to hit the mat become a dashing Diva in the world of professional wrestling. (Room B)
I sat in Room B beside Rachel Summerlyn and Portia Perez, two of the best and most hard-hitting women in the world. If you don’t understand the magnitude of that, click those links and look at those pictures. I watched Portia Perez slowly take all the Japanese money out of her wallet while Maria told a story about the one time she broke her thumb. I raised my hand and asked them if they followed women’s wrestling outside of WWE, and if so, what did they think about it? Neither one really answered my question.
The point of that anecdote, besides me being new to name-dropping and having to do it constantly, is that they don’t follow it, and they don’t think anything. That’s what gives us 48 seconds of Kelly Kelly in a sexy New England Patriots jersey rolling up Natalya for a pin when the pay-per-view match they’re building to is Eve vs. Beth Phoenix. Natalya is a joke. An absolute joke. It’s stupid. I don’t have any long-winded justification for it this time. They’re just being stupid, and I hope it gets better. It won’t, but I hope it will. It’s sad. Natalya should eliminate herself from the next battle royal and put some more Japanese money in her wallet.