I don’t know if you’re getting the YouTube commercials before these videos, but if you are, fake-ass Amelie from the Godiva commercials needs to GTFO.
Worst: Hello, I Am A Big Show. That Is All.
Maybe I’m still riding on that Smackdown high of racist-ass Big Show punching a guy for not speaking English and violently hunting one of the two black guys on the show, but Show’s State Of The Union (cough) address last night was the most boring and pointless thing ever. Really the only thing it accomplished in its two minutes that felt like 11 was setting up a rematch for TLC (which everyone assumed was happening already, especially when they’ve built the entire thing around chairs) and to drop the “Mark Henry’s leg MIGHT not be broken” thing Cole could’ve said in passing after the video package.
The good will I give Big Show for Wrestlemania 24 and the “stranded in the desert by the Undertaker” promo has officially been used up. I need you to stop talking and be a large object for Mark Henry to crush into something en route to his match with Daniel Bryan in April.
Best: Wade Barrett’s Jacket
Wade Barrett’s jacket is one of the most confusing things about wrestling. He never puts his arms through the sleeves (possibly because it’s way too big for him) and most times he just wears it out onto the stage, throws it off the second you see him and leaves it in a pile on the stage. Why are you even wearing it? Last night it got closer to the ring than I think it’s ever been. I don’t know what’s happening or if he’ll keep it on longer and longer every week and start wrestling in it, but I’m tempted to write one of those Kane/Torrie-Wilson-with-a-handgun WWE backstory kayfabe novels about it. I think I can work his pocket rose into a pretty sweet Cowboy Bebop thing.
Best/Worst: The Undercurrent Of Good Wrestling Matches On WWE TV
Punk vs. Ziggler was followed-up almost immediately by a good, back-and-forth match between Wade Barrett and Kofi Kingston, and as happy as I am to have two long, good matches on one show, it worries me. I feel like the only time they devote 10 or 15 minutes to a match on a show is when they don’t have any show content or stories to tell. Am I alone in that? Like, the haven’t decided if Punk’s going to defend at TLC against Del Rio or what, so they just put him in a match against the guy who struggles to beat Santino but makes moves look good to kill some time. Barrett being thrown out there with Kofi simply to further Barrett/Orton would normally last two minutes, but here, on a show with nothing to say, they go ten.
Again, I don’t want you to think I’m complaining about the wrestling, I’m just conditioned to be a terrible pessimist living in a world where the atmosphere is 20.946% oxygen and 78.080% dropping shoes.
Worst: Randy Orton’s Flesh-Colored Shirt
So who gave Randy Orton the tan shirt with black tribal all over it? Because when he wears it he looks like he’s naked, especially when he’s sitting down. It’s one wrong set of lines away from being the Dick Towel. When he stands up the front of his trunks peek out from under the tan and makes it look like he’s got a bush.
Oh lord, they gave it to him because when he wears it to the ring and takes it off it’ll be like he’s shedding his skin, didn’t they? Enough with the snake thing, guys. I don’t want to see him swallow Ted DiBiase without chewing.