Best: Goodbye Forever, John Morrison
I wanted to write an entire “Candle In The Wind” parody and copy-paste it in right here, but you get the idea. Copy and pasted from WRESTLE HEAT~. Wrestle Heat, for the HOTTEST news in wrestling!
As noted earlier today, the contract of John Morrison is expected to expire either on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. His original contract with the organization expired earlier this month but he agreed to an extension to appear at events he was advertised for. It is not known whether he will be making a farewell appearance at Monday’s Raw SuperShow in Columbia, South Carolina.
Well, now we know (even though people on the Internet kept saying it was going to happen against Brodus Clay … hell, even Brodus Clay said that) and this is it. I expected more of a definitive squashing sound and/or JoMo getting MuHa’d through the stage with a Last Ride or something, but what I got was a compelling, historically-significant back-and-forth Falls Count Anywhere thing that at once encapsulated the Best and Worst of John Morrison’s WWE career. Think about it, he was in a Falls Count Anywhere match, his freerunning specialty. It was against the Miz, who shared the best years of Morrison’s character’s life. It had him getting hurt out of nowhere (my favorite Morrison segment, of which there have been many) and selling a debilitating leg injury by dragging his leg around like f**king Cindy Brady worming her way out of the Fairy Princess because she can’t get enough tickets for her Old Mommy and her New Daddy. Dude got hit 35 times in the leg with a lead pipe and was throwing clotheslines 40 seconds later. But we cared, a little. And that was John Morrison.
John Laurinaitis coming out to look at him on the stretcher earns bonus points. He should’ve peeled off a FUTURE ENDEAVOR’D sticker and stuck it to Morrison’s neckbrace. I can’t wait to see you “tear it up” in Impact, John, or worst case scenario I can’t wait to watch you sit in the background and text while I talk to Melina at next year’s Wizard World.
Best: The Miz As An Actual Pro Wrestler
How refreshing is it to see Miz actually beating people up again? He went through a thing with Alex Riley where he seemed like he was ditching his “The Miz” character to focus on being an Actual pro wrestler in Actual pro wrestling, but then he stopped showing up on TV and R-Truth came along and we went right back to his Our Gang scripted “we’re TV characters” thing. The Hell In A Cell handcuffing incident aside, Miz hasn’t looked like a threat possibly EVER, so having him Gotten Get R-Truth and put John Morrison’s beautiful jawline through the stage grating Event Horizon style was wonderful. Thematically this should continue with The Big Show next week and maybe Chris Jericho thereafter, and he can spend January f**king up the cast of Extreme Expose and finally giving Coral from The Real World a Skullcrushing Finale through one of those bean bag couches in New York. Do a full Butterfly Effect thing that builds to him throttling himself in the womb.
Worst: Jesus, Back Up A Little
1. It was pointed out to me that Miz looks like Howard The Duck, and now I’ll never be able to unsee it.
2. You do not need to fill up my entire widescreen with Miz’s face. I could see his pores clogging. It reminded me of one of those Samoa Joe promos where he’s chewing gum and has his head tilted back and they zoom right up his f**king nose for two minutes while he chews threateningly and barfs platitudes about “pain”. I know they were trying to get over how “ice cold” he is or whatever, but damn, I can notice that his eyes are blue from a few feet back. I don’t want to end up in Innerspace.
Not Sure If Want: Second.
Have you convinced yourself that this is for anyone other than the Undertaker? If you haven’t, I’ve developed a few new theories.
1. Ted DiBiase, because he’s a Jr., which is American for “the second”
2. 3 Minute Warning, because minutes have seconds, and classrooms have clocks
3. D-Generation X, because if you pause at the 0:15 mark you can see the DX logo on his buttons
4. John Morrison returning from his worked contract situation, because that’s how the Internet thinks wrestling works
5. Kharma, because it’s about “bad things coming back around”
Actually, that last one would be pretty sweet. I’m going with that.