The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/28: Get On Your Vegan High Horse And Ride

By: 11.29.11

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Best: Beth And Nattie Jogging For No Reason

I don’t know why it happened, but Beth Phoenix and Natalya did a literal run-in on the Divas tag match. They didn’t do anything, they just jogged around the ring and back up the ramp. It continued their four month-long streak of taunting the babyface Divas who beat them constantly by doing nothing, but holy sh*t did they look great in workout gear. WWE is so stuck on that early-00s aesthetic of sparkling bras and hot pants that they’ve been missing out on how hot muscly, feminine women look in yoga pants. It’s like how they won’t evolve past Nu Metal. This is the look you’re gonna want to go for, guys.

Worst: What The F**k Is Going On With These Divas

After watching Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox defeat the Bella Twins in the time it takes the Divas Of Doom to beat The Chickbusters, here’s my updated theory:

When WWE signed Awesome Kong, they did what they usually don’t and booked the Divas division around her for the entirety of the upcoming year. When she got pregnant and had to take a leave, they decided to throw something together until she got back. Now, assuming that WWE Creative doesn’t know how mathematics or probability or definitions of words or linear time work, it can be assumed that they also have no idea how pregnancy works and thought it would only keep her out for 4-6 weeks, like everything else (torn muscles, marijuana possession, etc.). So now on like Thursday afternoon they write “tag match, Kharma returns” on the dry erase board and on Monday morning Stephanie McMahon or whoever (someone who has actually been pregnant) calls them up and is like “hey, she’s still got four months to go” and the writers roll their eyes and go GAWD SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE F**K and erase it, replacing it with “tag match, whatever”. Then, because they can’t remember anything for more than two hours, they forget and the cycle repeats.

Now, imagine that you’re a performer who is expected to work with only “tag match, whatever” and you’ve got the natural improv and timing of Kelly Kelly. Wouldn’t these Diva tags where your partner gets beaten up for a few seconds and you tag in and critical them with the one move you know be it?

Not Really Either: I’ve Also Figured Out Why Kelly Is Suddenly Best Friends With Alicia Fox

alicia-fox-literally-a-foxDon Cherry outed Kelly Kelly’s (gay?) relationship with NHL defenseman Sheldon Souray on ‘Hockey Night in Canada’ earlier this month, and given the propensity of hockey players to get engaged to whichever blonde American type they’ve stumbled upon, my working theory is that Kelly’s teaming with former heel Alicia Fox because she’s the only wedding planner she knows, and Alicia is being nice about it because she wants Kelly’s business. This and more in my new WWE Origins novel Why Alicia Fox Does Anything.

Also, a supplementary Worst goes to Alicia Literally A Fox for her fur entrance gear. Not to get all preachy about it, but Daniel Bryan should’ve already dragged her to the ground by the arm and forced compassion upon her through tap-out.

Worst: CM Punk Doesn’t Know How Google Works

When he was on the independent circuit in basketball shorts having way-too-long matches with pre-Crisis Superman onesie Chris Hero, the argument was “Punk isn’t as good as guys like [American] Dragon or [Samoan] Joe in the ring, but he makes up for it on the mic”. And I’m not sure if it’s my natural disdain for obnoxious, pandering WWE good guys or what, but somewhere along the line I started loving Punk’s matches and hating every time he talks. How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife.

But no, CM Punk interrupting John Laurinaitis’ secret, on-camera meeting with David Otunga and Ricky and Al was a very “Chris Jericho hitting Stephanie McMahon with pies” affair wherein he explained that when you type Del Rio and Boring into Google you get 918,000 results. It’s important to point out that he said Del Rio AND Boring, not “Del Rio boring” or “Del Rio is boring”, meaning that he didn’t put quotes around anything and is getting search results for anything that has the words “Del”, “Rio” or “boring” in it. He could be lumping me saying “Del Rio is awesome, Big Show is boring” in with his search results. He could be counting some Mexican guy’s lame trip to his local river. And even worse, he says that Del Rio and Boring’s 918 K search results are nine times as many results as you get typing in “John Laurinatis” and “spineless” and says that means Del Rio is nine times as boring as Laurinaitis is spineless.

This is some more of that “FATAL FOURWAY MEANS THE CHAMP ONLY HAS A 25% CHANCE OF WINNING” sketchy math bullsh*t they love to pull and I hate it. Otunga should’ve whipped out his Blackberry and pointed out that a Google search for “CM Punk” and “sucks” yields 3,860,000 results, meaning Punk sucks 4.205 times as much as Del Rio is boring.

WORST But A Little Best: Still No Brodus Clay

I’m glad they explained why they’re holding off on debuting Brodus, even if “making him wait will make him angrier!” isn’t a real reason. You know the guy wrestled on an entire season of NXT and showed up at Wrestlemania, right? You aren’t bringing in Glacier, here, sh*t or get off the gigantic pot.

Worst: WWE ’12, The Greatest Game Ever Played

WWE ’12 is pretty fun, especially when you create ACH and Akira Tozawa, lower their ratings to like 62 and fix all the sliders to make them wrestle for forty minutes, but the “greatest game ever played” is hilariously inaccurate at best, and a Predator Technological middle finger in the face of Chrono f**king Trigger. And Super Dodge Ball, for that matter. Super Dodge Ball doesn’t make me press the button eight times before my guy throws the ball. “Greatest game ever played” is a phrase for melodramatic ESPN docs about sports nobody cares about (like tennis), not for an entertainment medium with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas in it.

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