Worst: I’m Not Sure Michael Cole Knows What A Hypocrite Is
I’m not doing a book report on Raw so I won’t hit you with the Webster’s Dictionary Defines Hypocrisy As line, but the concept sort of hinges on the morality of the self and isn’t a synonym for “liar”. Basically Cole’s just trying to call him a liar, right? Bryan said he was going to cash in Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania, but tried to cash it in early. Cole might as well have run the ill-informed Internet insult gamut and called him “derivative”. I also would’ve accepted “overrated” (which doesn’t mean “overrated”, it means “bad”) or “broken”, especially “fundamentally broken”. Jesus, the more you think about it the more you realize the Internet is just a big f**king abacus for people with no idea how to count.
Best: Vegan High Horses
Hey, I’m on one of those! And to quote my good friend Justin O’Connor, who will be co-hosting Tuesday night’s Best And Worst Of Smackdown live-blog:
“vegan high horse” makes me hate cole so much and i f**king guarantee it isn’t because someone said “hey, mock the vegans. that’ll get you heat.”
It’s sorta the “what you choose to eat” equivalent of those Obama jokes, where they aren’t made for you to go “heyy, he can talk about OBAMA that way!” but to say “heh, everybody hates Obama, were all in this together”. The worst part of it for me, personally (as one of the ten vegans in the world who watches wrestling), is Cole attacking Bryan for it like it was an ethical decision. Bryan has made it pretty clear that his doctors recommended going vegan for his health, and that’s why he did it. He’s on a “real man” kick where everything he does is what REAL MEN do, so I can’t imagine that the protagonist of ‘Last Man Standing’ in wrestler form, Asparagus the Wonder Dog or not, would give enough of a sh*t about animal rights to get indignant.
So if you combined Cole calling him a hypocrite as a catch-all and throwing in a reference to veganism that the crowd doesn’t identify with and helps no one, then add to that the fact that Cole was belly laughing about Daniel Bryan’s championship dreams being SHATTERED by Teddy Long’s decision when he’s HOLDING THE MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE and out here to advertise the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH HE’S GOT ON TUESDAY WITH AN INJURED CHAMPION … I don’t know. None of it makes sense. I love Daniel Bryan, I love Mark Henry, and this is the #1 feud I’d fantasy book in any imaginable promotion during any imaginable time period. I think what I’m trying to say is that this segment should’ve ended 20 seconds in with a kick to the face and a well-placed “shut the f**k up about everything”.
Best: Daniel Bryan Has Great Mic Workrate
Here’s an example of something I was complaining about a lot on the Internet five years ago, the idea that independent pro wrestlers can’t work a large crowd or speak well. It’s just not true. Consider that even your worst local wrestling promotion has a roster of maybe 20 guys. What’re the chances that all 20 of them are Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer and can’t muster anything stronger than “yip” when asked a question? Now consider that every major city has some kind of wrestling happening. Cleveland had eight competing wrestling promotions at once. Austin has at least two that I know of, and there are more down the road in every direction. So there’s GOT to be a ton of undiscovered talent all across the country who can speak charismatically through a microphone and recite your hacky soap scripts convincingly enough for the two minutes they’re asked to speak, right?
Now consider that Bryan Danielson is the undisputed best f**king guy independent wrestling has had since independent wrestling because a nationally observed thing. Do you seriously think a guy who busted his ass to train to be the best wrestler in the world wouldn’t use 5% of that effort and spend 30 minutes down at The New Movement or wherever learning how to speak without making Howard Finkel Face about it? Come on. This guy is great and loves pro wrestling. Of course he can speak. He’s not mentally diseased.
Best: Mark Henry’s Unique Dialogue
And speaking of being great at speaking, Mark Henry isn’t going to deliver a Cane Dewey any time soon, but holy sh*t do I love hearing him talk. He just approaches sentences from a different place than most. Where a guy like Randy Orton might say “I BEAT YOU last Friday on SMACKDOWN”, Mark Henry says “haven’t I knocked you upside yo head enough lately?” Phrases like “halfway injured” to describe being hurt, but not too hurt to fight. It’s almost Faulknerian. I could listen to him read the phone book. Better still, I could listen to him threaten guys whom I’d like to see wrestle without resorting to that laaaaaaaast weeeeeeek, at the eliminaattionnnnn chambeerrrrrr Miz Conversation Starter thing.
Worst: Jack Swagger’s Trail Of Tears Continues
Vickie Guerrero really isn’t helping Jack Swagger’s career a lot. Before her, he was losing matches to Evan Bourne every week. Really the only improvement she’s made is that he loses to a different guy every few weeks. Swagger needs to go the Ryder/DiBiase/Dolph Ziggler route and find a hobby to get him over. Like, do a picture and picture of him holding up a shoebox and lisping I LOVE TO PICK OUT THEWS! YOU COULD PAY MORE BUT WHY before putting on a pair of ear muffs with MOVES LIKE SWAGGER embroidered on the side. And by embroidered I mean “printed out onto sticker paper and stuck to”. Social assholery is the way to the top these days.
And no, I still don’t buy the Jumping Dick To The Mouth as a critical finish. I know Madison Rayne lifted your Zack Attack, but come on, a knee to the back of the head is a more legitimate path to injury than a flaccid spandex bulge grazing my cheek.
Best: Good Job High-Fiving The Most Internet-Looking Guy You Could Find, Zack
He could’ve high-fived those Make A Wish kids in the African Aid Relief WWE Basics roster shirts, but no, he had to find the fat guy in his “goin’ out” polo.