Best: Jack Swagger, Graduate Of The Matt Morgan School Of Character Development
Jack Swagger’s right eye twitches now, because he lost to a Muppet. It started twitching when he put Santino Marella in the ankle lock, which I guess gave it EXTRA POWER as Santino tapped instantly and kept tapping even when he was on his back and it should’ve stopped hurting. I don’t know if Swagger or Swagger’s wranglers came up with the tic, but it’s easily the best idiosyncrasy-passing-for-character-development since Matt Morgan’s stutter, or at least since that time the Hardyz and Lita did Respek Knuckles.
It was good to see somebody finally just snap and beat the dogsh*t out of Santino, and not just run mindlessly into his hip-toss. There’s something extremely unnerving about natural hair-growth Santino in a blue singlet with a white t-shirt over it that is supposed to look like a gi AND a full-arm snake hand puppet all at once. It’s just too busy, I don’t know. It’s like looking at a Magic Eye. Yeah, I see the schooner and that’s fine, but after a minute I’ve just got to look at something else.
WORST: Did You Just Make A Penn State Joke
Jerry “The King” Lawler, 61-year old pro wrestler and guy who gets paid to talk for a living, thought it would be funny to say it was a good thing that Jack Swagger didn’t go to Penn State, because they were going to end up in the State Pen. To quote Jerusalem, the guy who makes most of the gifs I use in these reports at the Punchsport Pagoda:
If you haven’t followed the news, the Penn State scandal is in regards to a Coach who ran a special charity Gym Project, and raped or sexually molested at least eight young boys – with claims that at least a few of the Higher Ups at the University were aware of this and did nothing about it for at least a decade.
Not bringing Lawler’s own shady-ass past into it, Jesus Christ, guys, what kind of show are you trying to run tonight? Get. A. F**king. Grip.
Best: The Prestigious Maxim Magazine Cover Reveal
Okay, remember how terrible the segments were whenever Candice Michelle or Ashley Massaro or whoever had to reveal their Playboy covers, and it always ended in someone jealous coming out and trying to start a fight, and sometimes ended with Ashley taking off her shirt and revealing that weird muscle-cage and bocce balls thing that was going on with her torso for a while? Yeah. Imagine those segments, but PG’d out the ass so you’re never guaranteed a look at the protagonist’s nipples. That was last night’s Kelly Kelly segment, featuring a two minute OMG YOU GUYS I’VE GROWN UP SO MUCH IT’S BEEN A LIFELONG DREAM I’M SO HONORED TO BE ON THE COVER OF MAXIM alongside such luminaries and important women of our time like Noxema’s Rebecca Gayheart, Paris Hilton’s sister and “The Drop Undead Girls Of Van Helsing“.
For a quick reminder, this is K2’s Maxim cover:
And this is a shot of her normal wrestling gear.
So… what exactly are we getting excited about, again? Besides finding out how to be a Sex Santa, I mean.
Worst: An Additional Reminder
The official end of any hopes we had for the “Divas of Doom” story was Jerry Lawler’s flippant “it’s just about jealousy, it always is” comment at the end of the segment. We assumed that’s what was happening when they did their “you say we’re jealous, but we’re NOT” picture-in-picture a few months ago, but now the cards are just lying around on the table. We’re also left to assume that this is where the Kharma angle was going. “Kelly, you don’t really wrestle well but you’re pretty and people like you, and that makes me mad because I want to be pretty and have people like me. :(”
Come to think of it, that’s kinda how the CM Punk/Triple H angle ended, too. And speaking of that!
Best: Coming Up Next, The Long Awaited POOPIES Of Kevin Nash >=(
IT GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “AFTER THE BREAK”