Worst: Kevin Nash Was Never Good At This
I’ve seen a lot of confusion online as to why Kevin Nash is doing so badly at these in-ring promos, and guess what? He was never very good. When it was 1998 and things like “I should’ve BURIED YOU THEN!” were controversial and didn’t smell so much like TNA, he was fine. He was a new kind of character, nonchalantly slurring his way through drunken statements about fat chicks needing love at Spring Break, but even then he was mixing up verb with adjective and taking way too long to say nothing. Sure, it could be the bad story they’re trying to tell. It could be that he’s used to coming up with stuff to say on the fly and can’t adjust to the heavily-scripted nature of WWE television.
I’ve written and rewritten an explanation for it, but all I can come up with is that we like sh*t like real names and “shoot comments” and terms like pop and buried and “this business” when they’re coming from someone we like, or from someone we want to do well. It’s why we go WOOO when somebody at the indy show yells F**K WWE. I don’t want to f**k the WWE, a lot of people I like make a lot of money there, but I like you too, indy guy, and support your spirit. When Punk says “Ring of Honor” on WWE television it feels taboo, because we like him a lot and have convinced ourselves that he’s never going to get to “be himself” and say things we might say when talking wrestling in real life, like “Ring of Honor”.
My problem with Nash is that I f**king hate talking about wrestling like that. Listen to Nash condemn Triple H for wearing slacks. That’s just as stupid and socially backwards as Booker T laughing about how the Miz should’ve had his suit tailored. Motherf**ker, you robbed a Wendy’s. Nash has spent the last 20 years of his life in wolf t-shirts and fannypacks. Why is he on TV talking about dress codes and pops? Why is he saying he’s “still got it”? Why isn’t he talking more about how he hit a guy twice with a sledgehammer, or things we’ve actually seen ourselves and can identify and relate to? I’m not 14 anymore, dude, I’m not going to get excited when you say “cliq”, I’m going to get excited when you SAY something exciting and DO something exciting besides pacing back and forth in a wrestling ring in the middle of a sh*tty Monday trying to remember your lines.
Stuff like this is bad and why I don’t do a Best and Worst of Impact. I can’t justify another speech about how this part is real and this part isn’t. Just wrestle, if that matters.
Worst: No Brodus Clay
Best: An Explanation For The Lack Of Brodus Clay
I was sad to see a Brodus Clay video package in lieu of Brodus Clay fat-f**king Trent Barreta on Raw, but it was fine because in the very next segment they had David Otunga say “hey, isn’t Brodus Clay supposed to be here tonight?” and explained it. This is how awesomely you’ve lowered my expectations — you tie together one loose continuity issue and it makes me feel like I’m watching ‘The Wire’. That makes it sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not. It’s why when the Nexus shows up and destroys the ring or Punk squats and rips apart the company out of the blue it affects me so strongly … I’m DYING for you to make this show good, and it’s so easy for you to make me believe you have.
Also, Brodus as Existential Fat Man is going to be great if they run with it. I want Derrick Bateman to hit Titus O’Neil with his headlock driver and say it was karma, only for Brodus to appear from out of nowhere and scream “karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos” before G-Gripping him into unconsciousness. (Editor’s Note: I have booked six months of philosophical pro wrestling based around Clay and Bateman, if you are a WWE representative please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org)
Best: David Otunga, Best In The World
One of these mean is a Harvard-educated lawyer who wears a bowtie because it symbolizes fastidiousness. The other is a contentious, pantsless jerk who insults people without warrant and punches people for insulting him, then steps over them and keeps punching them when they’re down. Guess which one I’m cheering for!
Best: John Laurinaitis Tries To Top “Does He Have A Pulse”
Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. “Stop this right now!” “I’m not going to tell you again!” And the cherry on top, “AIGHT, DON’T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET”. Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes off his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking.
Best: Del Rio’s Little Kicks
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but one of my favorite things about Alberto Del Rio are his little stutter-kicks when he’s done armbreakering someone and he wants to push them away. He does it sometimes in pull-apart brawls, too, like in this segment. They pull him off Punk but his legs are free, so he just kicks at him until he’s out of reach. The little things, guys. Also, I’m trying to figure out what’s on that catering table before Punk goes through it. So far I can make out cups, a fruit plate, two bins of popcorn (?) and what looks like a tub of icing. No wonder Otunga brings his coffee from home.
Best: POOPIES >=(
Wait, we already did that.