The Best And Worst Of WWE Survivor Series ’11

By: 11.21.11

Best: Chickbusters Alert, Woop Woop

The best part of live-blogging Smackdown was being able to enjoy A.J. and Kaitlyn in full, and not have to screencap them the two seconds they were visible on screen and get a paragraph out of it. But here we are at Survivor Series, enjoying the fact that the Chickbusters are standing close to each other and not further that break-up tease they hit us with on Friday. I’m sorry you had to stand out there doing nothing for five minutes while Eve lost, but at least you aren’t making me shoot my television with a gun.

Worst: The Pointlessness (and Misogyny) Of Lumberjills

Two important points:

1. Calling female lumberjacks “Lumberjills” is the worst. Let me put it to you this way, the term was especially used to describe women doing the work of lumberjacks in Britain during World War II. That’s the timely reference you’re going with? I guess there isn’t a sexist way to say “logger”, so why not call them “timber-cunters” and be done with it.

2. The lumberjills in question came into play exactly once in this match, when Eve tried the Coochie Pop Press and Beth rolled out of the ring to avoid it. Eve didn’t even really instigate it, Beth just Gail Kim’d herself and got rolled back in. The rest of the match was a by-the-numbers Divas affair. So why have the lumberjacks out here at all?

Best: Super Glam Slam

Regardless of how inoffensively short and kinda crappy Eve/Beth was (something I’m giving Eve 100% of the blame for, because why not … have you ever heard a crowd go from being SO HOT to being SO QUIET before?), I think we’re in agreement that Beth’s Glam Slam from the second rope was the stuff dreams are made of. In a better world (2002 NOAH) Beth would’ve hit Eve with a clean Glam Slam in the middle of the ring and had it kicked out of, causing her to then elevate her move to a more dangerous place to put Eve away, but that’s purely a nitpick. Eve went up for the second-slowest top rope move of the night, got caught, and got got. It was wonder.

That being said, it also looked like it hurt Beth way more than it hurt Eve. She basically had to leg drop nothing and Psicosis herself asshole-first into the ring. Watch her when she goes for the pin. No, not the part where her skirt comes up, the part where she can’t do her normal Glam Slam rollover cover because her pelvis is split in two. It was like something out of Dreamcatcher. We saw her (barely) get to her feet, so I hope she’s okay. If we lost Kharma AND Beth … I don’t know, I don’t want six more weeks of the winter that is Bella Twins tag matches.

Also, supplementary worst for this conversation:

Lawler: “Well you said that Beth Phoenix may be unbeatable…”
Booker T: “As well as unstoppable!”
Lawler: “Well I say she’s unbearable!”

Why? Why do you say that, King? Is it because she’s never been on the cover of Maxim? She’s said like ten sentences in the last six months, and eight of those were picture-in-picture. She’s not Vickie Guerrero. What’s the problem you’re having with her, exactly?

Worst: The Rock, Reading Aloud From His Book The WWE Encyclopedia

and speaking of having problems

I run the risk of starting every Rock paragraph with “I’ve been reading what you had to say about it online, and” and then ranting for 800 words about how awful it is. I don’t want to do that too many times in one report, but I will say that Rock bringing up “The Rock” on Wikipedia and listing off his catchphrases in order, then (badly) singing Frank Sinatra to get a cheap pop in New York is neither “epic” nor “amazing”, despite those being the only two adjectives used to describe it. I agree with you that Rock is a better talker than almost anyone in pro wrestling, still. I agree with you that he’s got more charisma in his brow than most people have after a career of work, even if that specific kind of charisma turns me off. I understand his worth and see why you like this.

But seriously, come on. Is the secret to Rock’s success that he stays gone in long-enough intervals that when he returns you’ve reset to just wanting to see him move and hear his catchphrases? Is it like how I feel about the Muppets? I know those Jim Henson-less Muppets aren’t the real f**king Muppets because he was the entire point, but I miss him so bad I’ll deal with wrong-sounding Kermit and listen to what ultimately is a cover of “The Rainbow Connection” with tears in my eyes. Is that how you feel about the Rock? You don’t care that he’s not SAYING anything or DOING anything or HELPING ANYBODY, you just miss wearing plain black shirts with plain black lettering and hooting along to some guy threatening to stick sideways versions of things up peoples’ asses? Is Team Bring It Rock your Wrong Sounding Kermit?

At any point during this I would gladly accept glass breaking, ATV driving, beer tossing and a more valuable-to-pro-wrestling prejudiced nostalgia.

Best: CM Punk Is Incapable Of Having A Conversation

I mentioned it in Monday’s report, but it’s hard to enjoy wrestling when the heels share your point of view. At the same time, that very feeling makes any conversation between CM Punk and David Otunga interesting to me. It always seems a second away from Otunga bringing up the New Nexus and tying up a half a year’s-worth of loose ends but never quite gets there. They don’t say anything, but they SEEM like they’re going to say things, and that always keeps me watching. Also, one of these days I want Punk to do his nerdy REGULAR, OR UNLEADED and try to punch Otunga only for Dave to WRECK him, screaming F**K YOU I’M BLACK AND STRONGER THAN YOU.

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