Best: WRESTLING, YAY
I always like it when Big Show breaks out the SCIENCE~ (see also, Big Show vs. Kane), and I like it even more when it leads to an exasperated Mark Henry on the outside yelling things like YOU LETTIN’ HIM PULL MY TIGHTS ON PURPOSE to Charles Robinson. Charles Robinson should referee every match. If Mark Curtis is dead and nobody wants to pay Bryce Remsburg to be on TV, your only choice is Lil’ Naitch. Naitch may be lil’, but his contributions to WWE and making matches better are anything but lil’.
Worst: “Boring” Chants
ECW’s worst contribution to wrestling (and while we’re at it, Steve Austin’s worst promo ever) was the “boring” chant. There is never, ever a legitimate reason to chant “boring” at two wrestlers wrestling. Yeah, most of Show/Henry was pretty boring. It started off fun with the chain wrestling and built to a couple of memorable spots, calling back to the SummerSlam match against Sheamus and the Hall Of Pain story arc, but the bulk of it was … well, a Big Show match. Big Show is not Mike Awesome and Mark Henry is not Masato Tanaka, and as much as I’d like to see Show hit Henry over the head with a chair only for Mark to clench his fists and make a pooping baby face at the crowd to show Fighting Spirit, this is built to be plodding. The sell is in the monstrosity, not the workrate. “Boring” is disrespectful, and makes you look like an asshole. Bottom line. “Boring” is the reason why wrestling became so ADD in the late 90s … 24/7 hardcore titles were born, people started turning on each other every week, and even the Gods of Puroresu gave up complex storytelling for head-drops. “Boring” is a statement on you, not what you’re watching.
Have fun with a boring match, you know? Boo hard, get ironic with your enjoyment, hell, use it as an excuse to go buy a t-shirt and a pretzel. Take a piss. Don’t just assume the Divas match is when you pee. You should wait and see. Sometimes Divas matches can be good, and even when they’re bad, they’re never long enough for you to get to the bathroom and back in peace.
I can’t hate the crowd during this match too much, though, because they chanted “Sexual Chocolate” and, more importantly, “D’Lo Brown”. We will never stop recognizing, D’Lo.
Best: The Hilarious Spectacle Of It All
Besides, Henry vs. Show got decidedly Not Boring when the sh*t started to go down. Henry couldn’t put Big Show away with a World’s Strongest Slam or a series of splashes, so he tossed him to the outside and put him through the barricade. Even THAT wasn’t enough to stop Show, so Henry went for a superplex and ended up getting kicked and having the biggest flying elbow in the history of mankind dropped on him. If you didn’t laugh out loud and clap your hands when Big Show came off the ropes like a helpless fat kid with cruel intentions I don’t know how to explain it to you. He stayed up there forever … I thought he was doing the memorial Kane “choke a guy and wait for someone to hit their mark” thing, but no, he was just 40 and 500 pounds and nervous about falling. Or jumping. Something.
Big Show’s flying elbow was the next step in the collapsing ring story, and it played out perfectly. Henry kicked out but he wasn’t ready to take something like that, and when he was able to dodge the Kiss That Don’t Miss he just booted Show in the nuts to escape the match. This was as far as his gameplan played out and he was in hostile territory. It was a smart move for the champion, even if it robbed us of a spectacular follow-up finish (a second rope World’s Strongest Slam, maybe? Beth already used a Super Finisher, so you couldn’t go there).
Worst: DQ Wins You Have To Pay For
As much sense as it made, as a wrestling fan I hate non-finishes on shows I
illegally streamed online paid for.
Worst, But Also Best: Daniel Bryan Chants Not Accomplishing Anything
They chanted DANIEL BRY-AN and clapped, but he never showed up, not to save Big Show from a Hall Of Pain induction, not to cash in his Money in the Bank on an injured Mark Henry. I’m happy they didn’t have him cash in because I’m emotionally invested in seeing the biggest moment of his career at next year’s Wrestlemania, but I wish they’d have acknowledged his decision on commentary as Henry was down and his name was chanted instead of waiting until next week to have A.J. or whoever be all “I thought you were gonna cash in” and him going “oh, no” before some Alberto Del Rio type interrupts him.
Best: I Just Figured Out Who Matt Striker Sounds Like
Listen to him interview Wade Barrett. He sounds like Pac-Man from the Pac-Man cartoon.
Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but it’s what he reminds me of. Maybe we can convince Josh Mathews to start his segments with “Pac-Baby LOVE interviewing the Viper Randy Orton!”
Secondary Best: Your American Charlie Sheen
Wade Barrett is one of those guys who can benefit from upward momentum, because his success lies in little moments like doing the “you can’t see me” to an Incredible-Hulk-walking-away John Cena or phrases like “I believe your American Charlie Sheen calls it winning”. It’s not funny to reference Charlie Sheen in November, but it IS funny to reference Charlie Sheen in November when you’re a literate Englishman who thinks Americans are stupid and has to preface Charlie Sheen with “your American”. Wade is solid in the ring, but he’s exceptional as a personality. Heath Slater’s wellness violation suspension should be up any day now, bring him back and let him stand in the background making Heath Slater faces at whatever Wade says. Bring back Skip Sheffield as Wade’s “trained American”. Whatever, just keep him on TV, doing things and moving forward.
Best: Do You Know What The Pigeons Said
And on the flip side, the Awesome Truth has severely limited our straight R-Truth insanity promos, and last night’s discussion on what pigeons say when put on the spot was an outstanding. It wasn’t quite John Morrison getting gotten backstage or throwing a drink in Big Jimmy’s face (and having Cena wipe it off with his sweatbands), but it was great. And here I thought Miz was the Bert of the team.