Worst: No! Guys! REALLY! I’m REALLY Not From Here!
I’m not even going to bother delving into the logic behind Jinder Mahal’s new affinity for turbans and speaking with an accent for some goddamned reason. I’m content to simply wonder how long this exercise in futility will last before he makes the complete transition from “foreign heel nobody cares about” to “zany foreign heel it’s okay to laugh at.” I assume by January he’s gonna be rocking a gigantic construction paper bindi. And if THAT doesn’t get us to hate him, by March he’ll be strung out in a backstage OPIUM DEN while Tyson Kidd (assuming the role of a timid eunuch boy) fans him with a gigantic fern. I figure by next June we’ll arrive at the zenith and he’ll be relegated to comedy segments where he and the Bella twins (wearing gaudy harem pants) perform Bollywood dance routines set to unlicensed versions of Lady Gaga songs.
Best: The Irish Curse
It’s been like three years since WWE changed the name of John Cena’s finishers in an effort to make their programming more family friendly, and while I see the merit in not wanting to incite angry parents by encouraging children to I can’t help but giggle to myself every time Cole fervently shrieks with delight over the Irish Curse backbreaker. For those of you not versed in penile terminology, the Irish Curse is a
scientific absolute TOTALLY INACCURATE MYTH regarding the endowment of those of Irish descent.
In other words, white ppl got small dongs.
Worst: Why Can’t People Learn to RISE ABOVE THE HATE?
I understand a lot of people dislike John Cena. I don’t agree with them, but I understand it. Or, rather, I understood it. Back in 2006? Absolutely! 2010? Yep! Today, not so much. Sure, he’s still cuts promos with the cadence of a Pixies song, and he’s still reliant upon the same set of in-ring skills he’s been using for years, but we’ve reached a point where all of a sudden John Cena is not the primary focus of the show. He wasn’t booked to compete on last night’s Pay-Per-View. In fact, he’s about to tread water for a few weeks in a throwaway feud with Kane since there’s really not much for him to do until they really start the build to WrestleMania. As a rule, once the thing you hate stops doing the things that make you hate it, you should probably learn to get over yourself and accept it for what it contributes to the overall presentation of the thing you love.
What’s happening now is we’ve reached a point where the hatred has become conditional to nothing more than the man’s presence. It’s nothing new. Like, I’m sure groups of derisive Neanderthal teens used to lean against the side of some monolith while making snide remarks about how the Chauvet cave paintings were more like the Chauvet cave gayntings until some clan elder with nothing better to do with his life than give them a hard time busted them for loitering and confiscated their stash of raw materials. And they knew he was just gonna fashion their stone into a rudimentary spear down at the station.
The current attitude toward Cena reminds me of how when I was a kid I’d sing songs about wanting to kill Barney even though I was too old to have ever watched Barney of my own accord, and at no point was I bound to a chair in a straight-jacket and subjected to hours of looping Barney footage. Like, even though Barney might have had way more societal influence than some shitty prehistoric pictures of boars that look like they were painted by an autistic kid during a fever hallucination, he was still just an anthropomorphic dinosaur created to prepare babies for life after breastfeeding. The point is, nobody ever intended for Barney to appeal to my twelve-year old self in the first place.
What I’m saying is Cena’s not our guy. He’s not supposed to be our guy. He hasn’t been our guy for a long, long time and it’s time to accept it and move on. I honestly don’t even remember why we all thought a homophobic rapper in jorts was supposed to be our guy in the first place, but I digress. We have our guys now, and our guys are the current WWE champions. If everyone in the crowd took the energy they put into being mad about John Cena and put that toward responding to people they actually enjoy watching perform, maybe it wouldn’t have taken so long for us to go from “wanting” Zack Ryder to actually “having” Zack Ryder. You know?
Best: Cena Sucks T-Shirts
I’m really glad WWE decided to create a line of defamatory John Cena shirts, because people are far too willing to participate in the perpetuation of their own anger. Frankly, if anyone is dumb enough to drop $30 on a t-shirt, for which the man they claim to hate is going to receive a kickback, it’s probably best they give their money to WWE before they’re duped out of it by some homeless grifter selling bags of enchanted rocks.
It’s the same reason why I hope Rebecca Black goes quintuple-platinum, makes like, a billion dollars and never has to put in an honest day’s work for the rest of her life.
That being said…