Worst: Big Show And Kelly Kelly, Or “The Mouse Would Explode”
The five best parts of this segment:
1. Kelly Kelly randomly showing Big Show a website about beauty tips on her (?) iPad comes very close to CM Punk and Ted DiBiase discussing tattoos on the “two wrestlers have to be talking amongst themselves to set up this segment” scale of horrible improv. They should start a segment next week where Kelly’s pointing to the iPad and going, “ummm and here they eat the poop, and then they take turns vomiting into each others’ mouths” and the camera pans back and Teddy Long is just standing there with his eyes bugged out.
2. Big Show wearing a WWE jacket like the one your grandpa might pick out from the WWE Hall Of Fame gift shop.
3. Kelly Kelly wearing a WEST COAST CHOPPERS CORSET, which is a thing that exists, apparently. Maybe she showed up wearing a WWE jacket and the producer was all SHIT THAT’S WHAT SHOW’S WEARING, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY CLOTHES and Stephanie McMahon fished that out of her gym bag.
4. WWE organizing a segment around Scott Armstrong going NAW ‘SIMPORTANT YOU GOTTA GO just to get Kelly Kelly on screen for 30 seconds.
5. Big Show and Kelly Kelly flirting, which reminds me way too much of Rose Nylund standing on a wharf with a megaphone talking about how the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony, but they can’t mate because the mouse would explode.
[insert joke about Kelly Kelly here]
Worst: Don’t Worry Brodus, You’re Already Booked For Royal Rumble 2017, Pinkie Swearz
And the three best things about the follow-up segment:
1. David Otunga looking up beauty tips on his iPad, that he bought with money he made from being a lawyer, because college.
2. The fact that John Laurinaitis and Otunga have literally spent the last what, six months talking amongst themselves about Brodus Clay’s debut on Raw, and how weird it is that they’re never going to actually do it.
3. Otunga derisively shutting his coffee thermos in anger when Big Show mentions he could beat him with one arm tied behind his back.
Of course, no number of good aspects can earn a “one arm tied behind my back” mention a Best, as it is the Birthday Cake of things you should never say under any circumstances in a pro wrestling arena. In fact, has it ever been said as a boast without someone going WAIT A MINUTE with a cartoon light bulb over their head? It worked for Laurinaitis’ thing of doing the most boring, expected thing and assuming it’s a creative masterstroke, but lord, I don’t want to see Big Show wrestling with two functioning arms, much less wearing some bastard equivalent to the blindfold match on his wrist.
Worst: John Cena Is Still Not Getting To The Point
I don’t ever want to hear John Cena mention that there are SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE who don’t like him. Guess what? The fact that you won’t stop being passive-aggressive about it and STF somebody’s throat out over it has turned ME into one of those people out there who don’t like you. You are saying nothing and doing nothing and it is excruciating.
Worst: John Cena Vs. Miz Is So Boring You May Forget Wrestling Is Happening At All
I think my brain left my head and traveled to f**king Narnia during this part. It was the wrestling equivalent of Cena’s promo, only eight times shorter.
Best: A Good R-Truth
Okay, I don’t think a babyface R-Truth is going to work either, but I’m happy to have a character who’d punch Miz in the face while yelling THE WORSE PART A CHRISTMAS IS WHEN YOU OPEN PRESENTS AND THEN THEY AIN’T NONE or whatever. If Truth is a man of his word and beats up Miz for 52 straight weeks it will be glorious. They can start with him interrupting segments and matches, and when Miz figures out a way to avoid that (suggestion: Ray Rowe as a fake security guard to stand between them) Truth can resort to Jung Dragons-style sneak attacks. Then he starts jumping Miz in the parking lot, and eventually he’s burning down Miz’s house and cooking his pets and shit. It would be amazing.
Unfortunately I think they’re going to do what everyone expects (Truth will try to beat Miz up next week and they’ll just get separated and somebody will make a match for Royal Rumble). I just hope the LOL TRUTH pipe bomb video package from the Slammy’s and his pseudo-babyface beatdown of Miz here doesn’t lead to him going Full Santino and yelling USED TO IS A ROOSTER FROM BREWSTER to a pop and doing splits and hip tosses with a smile on his face.
Worst: None Of This Made Sense
It didn’t. Everything it set out to accomplish either backfired or was ignored.
Cena came to the ring to call out Kane. They even had pre-commercial graphics about how we couldn’t miss it. Then he didn’t call out Kane at all and spent five minutes talking at length about how the magical people of Chicago are salty to him. His words, not mine. He’s interrupted by The Miz, who speaks confidently about how he’s a great wrestler who should be Cena’s focus, then does a complete 180 and blows off the match he invited himself into after AN IRISH WHIP to walk around the ring to reiterate the stuff he’d already said on the stage. Then R-Truth interrupts and attacks Miz, and Cena just sorta dissipates into the f**king ether and forgets about the whole “Kane tried to choke me to death with my own blood” deal. The segment ends with Miz picking his nose.