WORST, OH GOD: Everybody Hates (Sometimes)
how the f**k am i supposed to write about this f**king kane segment
Okay, it’s become sort of a running joke on With Leather that my girlfriend loves Kane (which she does, legitimately, because she was like 11 when he debuted and 11 year olds love things like Kane) but that I can’t stand him, because I have eyeballs and ears and have seen the actual “matches” part of the last 15 years in wrestling. Hopefully everyone who filmed themselves marking out and going IT’S KANEEEEEE, OH MY GORSH when he returned can settle back in to cheering for guys who don’t have cartoon fire on their pants and don’t wear the Rocketeer’s helmet to the ring to cover the top sirloin they’ve cut eye-holes into and are wearing on their face and who didn’t spend their time off shopping for wigs and streaming Dexter marathons.
This, like nearly everything else Kane has EVER DONE, is stupid. I don’t know how much of the testicle batteries and chokeslams onto skeleton coffins and shit was Kane’s fault, but last night was a focused and total personal f**king blame. What the hell happened? Kane got his ankle broken by Mark Henry, so he gets in touch with his “essence” and comes back to ignore the guy who hurt him and pull psychological rank on JOHN CENA of all people? “IT’S OKAY TO HATE, JOHN CENA, EVERYBODY HATES YOU, YOU SHOULD HATE MORE”. There, I did Kane’s entire promo and didn’t make you listen to ten f**king minutes of him aping Cody Rhodes and reading the Revenge of the Sith script in slo-mo.
And why the hell do you end a Chicago Raw with this? Put this in the “John Cena calls out Kane” spot (because seriously) and FOLLOW it with the wrestling with wrestlers so the show can end with some sort of heat. I hate saying “heat”, especially when one of the guys throws firewalls, but there you go. This wasted everybody’s time, and hopefully next week we can get back to Confused Dog Headtilt and Chokeslams Kane and leave Citizen X on the dank corner of the Internet where he lives.
Best: John Cena’s Surprised Face
It kept cracking me up. If I’d taken a step forward and been stopped by a WALL OF LITERAL FIRE I would’ve shat a jort. Both of them. For a second I thought he’d been accidentally murdred by MacGruber.
Worst: John Cena’s Sad I Maed Poopies Face >=(
Cena spends the last eight months going “heh, yeah some people hate me whatevs” and then he makes this face at a Cena Sucks chant. Wait, sorry, he makes this at NOT A CENA SUCKS CHANT.
And Even More Worsts: Great Job Not Chanting Cena Sucks This ONE TIME, Everybody
Kane ends his Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow soliloquy with “Cena sucks”, but he says it with a weird cadence and the Chicago crowd can’t do it. The entire segment hinges on this one moment, and they bomb it. You know the writers were like
Writer 1: “And then we make them chant Cena Sucks at him and it makes him sad.”
Writer 2: “Ok cool, how do we do that”
Writer 1: “what do you mean”
Writer 2: “how do we make them chant Cena Sucks”
Writer 1: “I don’t understand the question”
Writer 2: “ok do you think Kane can make them do that?”
Writer 1: “probably, they do it anyway”
And then they wrote DIVAS TAG MATCH, INTERRUPTED BY MUSIC FOR ROLL-UP on the front of a manilla envelope in Sharpie and handed it in. Watch Kane’s face when they cut back to him at the end, he’s holding a smile but his eyes are darting around, and he’s basically saying “this isn’t working, are we still on?” like I do when I try to show somebody a cute thing my cat usually does but won’t do now.
I hope you are not like John Cena, and the last thing you hear in 2011 will not be this terrible promo.